Spirit speaks...

I have Soul Collage Cards that I made a year ago.  When I moved into my apartment, I put them somewhere I could see them often.  I wanted to absorb their message and vibration and invitation.  One of the cards WILL NOT stay where I put it.  

This card jumps from its home at opportune moments.  Sometimes it wakes me in the middle of a dream, like “pay attention to what it happening there.”  Other times it jumps when specific thoughts are in my head.  “Pay attention!”  

The fun here is that the wording on the card says, “Get up and Go for it!”  The image is a hiker running down a trail.  For me, it is a powerful card.  It came together quickly and vibrantly.  When the card was created, it was LOUD.  

And now, it is jumping freely from wherever I place it!

Due to the number of times this has happened, I can no longer ignore that this is happenstance.  Spirit is speaking.  “Get up and Go for it!”

I am beginning to hear Her words.  I am beginning to allow those words to sink deep into my heart and spirit.  I am allowing them to percolate around in my being.  I do not know where they will take me yet….

I do know Spirit is giving me an invitation!

Spirit speaks in so many ways.  What I have been learning is that Spirit will continue to speak until I listen.  Now that I have listened, the card no longer jumps from its home.  Rather it emanates Light and Love and Wisdom, beckoning me on…   “Get up and Go for it!”

I wonder how Spirit speak to you? 

Perception is key...

I woke up the other morning with this energy flowing out of the bottom of my foot.  I have had this happen before.  It is a sign that my body wants to tell me something.  So, I sank into my heart to listen.

When I got to my heart, I opened all the drapes so I could see out into its landscape.  Much of the time the landscapes change as I change direction.  This time each drape I opened was the desert.  North.  South.  East.  West.  All desert.

Now, I know I am deep in grief — the grief that comes from major life transitions.  I have left my self-care healing support network, my community of friends, my creative community, my Sacred lands and moved away.  Grief is normal.

So when I saw the desert surrounding my heart, I wept.  I am in the desert, alone. Desolation entered my heart.

Then….  I stepped outside my heart chamber into that desert.  I reached down and scooped up some sand.  It felt Sacred in my hands.  I walked around the outside of my heart and watched the landscape change from Middle Eastern/ Northern Egyptian desert to SW New Mexico desert.  I saw the beauty around me.  The red rocks and mesas.  Flowers and trees.  Dunes.  Creatures. 

I was standing on Sacred ground — the ground of the Desert Abbas and Ammas; the ground of the Shaman.  This was no ordinary desert I am in.  This is an invitation to dive deep into desert spirituality; to learn the depth of what it can teach me, of how it can ground me and connect me to the Holy.

It is all about perspective.  One perspective leads me to desolation; the other to consolation — to communion with the Holy.

We have a choice in our experiences.  We can choose the lens through which we will perceive what we are experiencing.  That is our choice.

I choose desert spirituality.  I choose the invitation to sink deeper into the Holy.  

What would you choose?

Transforming My Perspective...

Recently I was shown through meditation that I have two different paces inside myself.  

One is a fast paced drive that allows me to accomplish pretty much everything on my to-list in hours.  When I tap into this pace, I do not get overwhelmed.  I put my head down and go.  The downside is that I miss Sacred moments because I am driving.

The other is my contemplative pace, an inner spiritual pace aligned with the heartbeat of Mother Earth.  It is a pace that invites me to notice and linger and savor the Sacred in everything I do.  Somehow, everything gets done in its own time.  Rarely do I miss Sacred moments.

At first, I thought I was being shown these two paces as a way of being informed that this fast pace is an unfreedom in my life.   As I have welcomed this faster pace into my being fully as part of me, I realize they are both gifts; both vital parts of me; both working together needing to be more fully integrated.

Without the fast paced drive I would not have been able to accomplish all that needed to be done in the last six weeks as I accepted a new position, packed my belongings, found an apartment, traveled for the holidays, moved 3 hours away, preached every Sunday and then began the new position on Jan 1.  Without that drive, I would have been stuck in overwhelmed-ness.  That drive is a gift that helps me move into what I am manifesting.

However, it can hinder my life.  It can become a distraction if I do not fully integrate it into my contemplative life; fully accept it as part of me.  I can become wrapped up in the to-do list of my world so much that I miss the Sacred when she brushes up against me.

I was shown these two different paces in my life so that I could begin to integrate what I considered unfreedom into the fullness of my being — a both/and reality.  It is a paradox that I am opening myself to.

What I am learning is that if I live in the paradox of both/and, my contemplative self will jar me out of my fast paced self to notice something beautiful.  It will stop me right where I am until I notice how the Sacred is brushing up against me.  My contemplative self wants me to experience Spirit in the here and now, every day, and she will make herself known. And my fast paced self will step in to help me accomplish all that I need to accomplish on long full days/weeks, keeping my energy flowing and vibrant.

Just the other day, I noticed this happening.  I had gone to the beach to feed my Soul.  I had been at a wandering pace all day, enjoying the Ocean, noticing the sand, the shells, the waves, the birds, the beauty.  Lingering.  Savoring.  Listening.  Singing.  Answering.

There came a moment when I was so cold and exhausted all I wanted was to get back to the warmth of my car.  My drive kicked in.  I put my head down and walked briskly toward my car.  Then something jarred me; stopped me dead in the middle of a patch of reeds.  I stood listening to what sounded like a pattering of rain.  I stood and listened to the Sacred sing through the wind and reeds.  It was beautiful, soft; a whisper.  I almost missed it.  

I am coming to trust my inner contemplative, knowing she will alert me to the presence of the Sacred.  When she does, I take heed and notice, linger, savor each moment, each brushing, each tangible experience.

Welcoming my Unfreedoms

I have been sitting with my unfreedoms this week asking myself, “How do I find / how have I found freedom where there has been unfreedom?”

What struck me is that I have found freedom by accepting my unfreedoms as part of myself.  At first I fought that idea, kicking and screaming; swearing at God and those suggesting I accept it as part of me.

One day, I accepted the invitation to stop fighting my unfreedom.  I did that through paint and paper.  It was hard and yet, at the end of the painting session the painting was beautiful.  My unfreedom (my anger, my frustration, my fear, whatever) had not stopped the beauty from coming forth.

This seems to go against the goal of finding freedom.  However, when confronting unfreedoms the goal, for me, is to stay completely present in myself and not allow that unfreedom to chase me away.  So by welcoming and creating an atmosphere of inner hospitality,  I am actually disarming it, removing its power to hurt me or chase me back into my smaller self.

I welcome my unfreedoms. I loosely follow Mary Mrozowski’s  (a contemplative Catholic) Welcoming Prayer.

First, I sink into the feeling; into the unfreedom allowing myself to feel my unfreedom; to be immersed in it.  I stay present to the feeling paying attention to how it feels in my body, where it resides, how it is affecting my being.

When I am ready, I welcome the unfreedom/feeling by simply saying, “Welcome Intimidation.”  I stay in the space of welcome, imagining myself offering hospitality to this unfreedom, until I no longer have the urge to run/hide/ignore/suppress this unfreedom.  I find that my heart opens with grace and compassion for myself, I receive back my power, and my Light shines forth stronger and brighter.

Then, I let go.  I do this in many ways. Through paint and paper allowing the unfreedom to flow out of me.  Meditation.  Prayer.  Imagination: imagining the unfreedom being released.  Shamanic Journeying to the unfreedom.  Journaling.  Drumming.  Ceremony.

I let go through whatever medium I feel Spirit inviting me to.

In the words of the Welcoming Prayer:

“I let go of my desire for security.
I let go of my desire for approval.
I let go of my desire for control.
I let go of my desire to change any situation.

I let go of my unfreedom.

I open to the love and presence of Spirit and the healing action and grace within.”

And I find freedom; grace-filled vibrant freedom thanks to the transformational power of Spirit.

Lessons from my Sacred Land

Every month I go on retreat for my Spiritual Direction Certification program with Kairos School for Spiritual Formation (http://www.on-the-journey.org).  The retreat is hosted on the some very Sacred Land (Jesuit Center in Wernersville, PA).  The first time I drove onto the Land, I fell in love.  Such beauty.  Such tranquility.  Such Sacred power to transform all who walk there.

Every month, I walk the Land.  I arrive and am greeted by the Land and I, in return, greet Her offering Her my gifts/blessings.  I wander the Land in conversation with Her.  I sing and talk to Her.  I listen to Her speak to me.  Sometimes she whispers.  Sometimes she speaks loudly and clearly.  

This past month, I walked the Land on my birthday.  I asked for blessing for the year ahead.  I asked for vision for where my work would take me.  I walked.  I wandered.  I noticed. I listened.  I heard one thing clearly, “I will give you vision through paint.”

I have an artist friend, Damini Celebre, (http://creativeworks.daminicelebre.com)  whose work is just that.  She walks the Land and allows the Land to paint through her.  Her work is powerful.  I went to speak with her and ask her to visit this Land.  As we talked she asked me why I am not doing it myself.

One word came forth, “Intimidation.”  I am intimidated by that idea.  Sure, I can open myself to intuitive painting in the studio.  But allowing the Land to paint through me.  What if I do not do it right?  What if it does not look good?  What if I can not open myself fully to this Land that I love? 

And there it is:  my unfreedom!  

The unfreedoms of our lives want to keep us small, contained, safe. They want to prevent us from growing, transforming, becoming who we are called to be in this world.

I am being asked by a Land I love to open myself fully to Her Spirit and allow for this immensely deep blessing to be given to me.  Yet, I feel intimidated by that prospect.  I have allowed for my unfreedom to keep me small.

The question I am now asking myself is:  Will I allow my unfreedom to keep me small, to dim the brightness of my Light?  or Will I let go of this unfreedom, find the courage to risk my heart and step more solidly onto my life path?

I ask you:

What are your unfreedoms?  How will you respond to them?  Will you allow them to keep you small?  or Will you let go and risk your heart?

Meeting my Mystical Self

I have not written in a long time.  Yesterday’s painting ignited my blog energy again!

Here is what I noticed that excited me so much:  Intuitive painting is a healing art!!  It really is.  I knew it.  Now I KNOW it.  I EXPERIENCED it yesterday.

I have been painting for about three years now.  When I look back at where I was, at my paintings three years ago, I see my healing journey through paint and paper. I see the old patterns being let go and transformed into new ways of being.  I see old wounds being healed and released.

Yesterday I had this grace-filled moment when I my mind went “I do not know who that is painting.  I do not know this style and color choice.”  

My heart answered  “You!  That is the new You, Your True Self.”

Wow. 

The beauty of the session was that, for the most part, I was out of my mind and in my heart.  The running internal commentary went something like this:

“Gold, bright pink, bright orange, bright blue, bright green, black, bright pink, gold, no the other gold..” and so on.

It was color.  My heart spoke color.  My body chose the shape and placement of the color.   

Every so often my mind would jump in to contain what was happening.  Use that dark purple.  Put a gold outline around that heart.  Oooo look a brain/mind.  Contain.  Old practices.  It would stop me for a moment.  Then I would reassure my mind and fall back into my heart and paint…

My heart wanted freedom; joy; laughter; brightness.  My heart wanted to show me what my energy looks like, feels like after all this intense healing work I have been doing.

That is what happened.  I came to this place when there was one movement, a curving in my hand, and one color, white.  I covered the painting with white, curving and twisting the paint around.  I struggled with letting go of that heart I outlined and the blue flower at the bottom of the painting.  I struggled.  I kept working around both until I heard “Just do it.”

I took a breathe and let go.  I let go of that unfreedom and found freedom and beauty in the process.  The release brought energy and lightness to my Spirit.

When I was done my mind looked at the painting and said “You blurred the vision.”  And my heart broke.  I found myself walking away from the painting back to the place I would sit to hide from what was happening. (the old ways)  I sat.  I looked up and GRACE happened.

I had not blurred the painting.  It was iridescent!  It glowed!!!  It is so beautiful!!

I smiled.  My heart was full of joy, laughter, lightness of Spirit, peace.

There I am!!!  The new me glowing, shining forth!!!

The lines of demarkation are gone.  I have found Union with the Sacred.

That is my journey.  That is my deepest desire.  For a moment I saw that reality; I felt that reality; I experienced myself as one with the Universe.

I witnessed my mystical self born anew!!

Blessed be.

Journey into the Heart of Darkness

This is the last day of working on this painting.  I have been working on it all Fall and it has taken me down the rabbit hole of Darkness.  If you can have a goal in intuitive painting process, today it was finishing up the painting; bring it to some sense of completion so that nothing was left unfinished into the New Year.

I decided to start with Light...Light coming out from the edges of the Door.  I grabbed yellow and started painting it along the edges of the Door, then I covered the green heart outline with yellow.  Then I covered the small blue heart with yellow, then purple.  

The problem was that it was not working for me.  Yellow.  Light.  Not working.  

My teacher laughed at me and commented that my mind was having its say.  She said thank your mind for trying to keep you safe.  Tell it you are safe here and don’t need it to keep you safe.  Then jump down the hole....

She was right, of course.  When I checked in with myself, I felt lost.  Lost.  Stuck.    Filled with Fear.  I knew this before I showed up that morning.  I had been in that space for a few days.

So, I painted it out.  I grabbed crayons and started allowing squiggles of orange and brown to move all over the painting.  Then came red right up the center and right across the heart forming a large cross on the painting.  Then came black squiggles on the top.  I squiggled all over that painting, allowing all that feeling of being lost to get onto that paper.

Then something powerful happened.  I squiggled black down the painting.  It was not strong enough.  I grabbed a black paint brush and painted a black line right down the painting.  As I did it, I hit the paper with such force and rage that sent me cowering in the corner.  As that black line was painted the door that kept all my anger and rage hidden from me, stuffed in my Shadow flew open and I was overwhelmed by it.

I couldn’t handle it.  I was shocked by how much rage was in my heart, hidden deep in the depths.  I had stuffed it there and left it and it had grown...

I do not even know where the anger was directed.  There was too much of it.

I curled up in a ball as far from my painting as I could get.  I sat there for the longest time.

My teacher came and sat by me.  She commented on the energy that was in that last stroke and wondered why I was here hiding.

“It was rage not energy.” I answered.

She told me to get it out.  What color is it?

Black.

"Get it out.  Put black on your brush or hand and get it out.  You have come this far.  You have worked so hard to get here, bumping up against this time and time again.  Go there.  This is a safe space for you to go there.  Jump down the rabbit hole."

She sat with me encouraging me to move shoulder to shoulder...tender loving support.

I got up.  Took a deep breathe.  Put black on my pallet and began to paint black all over the painting.  I allowed my rage to run down my arm, through my brush and onto that paper.  I hit that brush hard against the paper.  

Then I put the brush down and started using just my hands and paint.  I covered that painting numerous times with black.  Parts of the hearts tore off with the force of the brush or my hand.  I ripped them the rest of the way off and put those pieces in the center of the cut out heart, where the obstacles were.

I kept at it until I felt spent...spent of as much rage and anger, grief and sadness, and fear as I could get out.

I stepped back and looked at my painting.  It was black.  All black.

I haven’t had that happen in a long time.  That last time I painted the whole painting in one color was blood red this past summer.  That was hurt, broken heartedness, anger.

I stepped back and sat.  I moved farther away, back to my corner.  My teacher arrived.  I commented on how I wanted it to be beautiful.  Others were throwing paint on their paintings and bringing color.  Why couldn’t I do it?

Why can’t you?  she asked.

It didn’t feel right.  I was aligning myself to darkness.

She suggested that I do some ritual to honor the work that I had done, the releasing of all this anger.

I nodded my head as tears fell.  I asked to use her Angel Candle.  She has held me many times in meditation over the past year when I have needed Her.  Now, I felt like I needed Her.  

As my teacher went to find a candle, I felt a call to the greens in the back of my car.  I heeded the call without thinking, put on my shoes and got the greens.  These greens came to me when I asked for help in a releasing ceremony.  They answered my call.  Then they changed their minds and wanted to be part of a gratitude altar I made on Thanksgiving Day.  That morning, as I walked out the door, they reminded me that they had volunteered to help me release what needed to be released.  I had packed them up and put them in my car.  Here was why...

I lit the angel and set her in front of my painting.  I sat and stared at her with the greens next to me.  I started to fiddle with the greens...

I began to cut off the pine sprigs from the branches.  I put glue up on the painting and attempted to glue one sprig to the painting and it kept falling off.  My teacher brought me pins to help hold the pine.  

I placed sprig upon sprig upon sprig on the painting in the center of the cutout heart, around one of the obstacles.  Their green, their life, their energy changed the Darkness of the painting.  It somehow released the rage, transformed it into something different, allowed for me to experience this Darkness in a different, more whole and healed way.

I wanted to thank it.  I wanted to thank the sprigs.  I wanted to thank the black paint.  I wanted to thank them all for helping me release.  I took some tobacco and placed it on the painting just below the greens.  Then I grabbed a leaf of sage and put it with the tobacco, praying that the sage continue to clear this anger, sadness and fear from my body and soul.

I lit some sage and saged the painting, saged my Spirit.  Breathed in the clearing energy of the sage.  Prayed....

Then I sat.  I settled in.  

I had been given a ritual to perform to help release some stuff I was bumping up against and now seemed the time to prepare for it.  I sat and did as the Spirit had guided me to do.  And as I did so, an altar appeared around the Angel. 

I began to realize that She was holding the energy of my intention.  She was holding my prayers.  I could prepare now, because She held it for me.  I could continue this journey of releasing and trust that these prayers would be held until it was time to burn them.  Her Light did that.

Later that evening, my friends gathered with me to burn these sticks wrapped with my prayers for release and transformation.  With the Angel next to me, I threw them in the Fire and Fire responded.  Fire sparked and crackled and threw fireworks out at me.  Fire answered my request and I thanked it.

This journey deep into the Heart of Darkness has been a challenging journey filled with ups and downs, wounds and healings, movements and countermovements.  I am forever grateful for the space and opportunity to allow my Creative Self to take these journeys.

Blessed Be.