On Being Stuck....

Well, once I ruined my painting (in My Brushes on my iPad) and found peace again I began to experience a feeling and sense of being stuck. (If you are lost, check out my previous two blog entries.)  I had no idea what to do next.  I felt blocked.  I did not want to continue to engage this painting.  It felt complete.  Why mess with a sense of peacefulness and wholeness?

I wanted to start something new.

But that is not the invitation in a 40 day creative experience.  No, the invitation was to stay with one painting.  The invitation was to put at least one stroke on the painting each day.

Well, “I’m just practicing,” I reasoned with myself.

“Correct,” replied my creative soul. “The practice is not over.  You have not practiced for 40 days.”  

Hmmm....  My creative soul was right.  This is part of the process, getting stuck.  So I took a breathe and did what I was being invited to do.

I forced myself to put one stroke on the painting each day.  I went to my favorite non-messing up My Brushes stroke -- these soft bubbles that you can spread around the painting.  I picked white because I did not want to go dark.  I put them all over the painting creating a sense of snow and Light.

The next day, I was still stuck.    So, I choose my bubbles again, but this time black.  I put them all over the flowers lightly. Then I added a black flower, with a red spiral.

Then I began to be curious about why I was stuck.  What was happening that was causing me to not want to continue to engage this painting?

Was I too attached?  Probably.  But this stuckness was not like my not wanting to mess up my painting.  It felt different.  It was not in the same spot in my body either.

I decided to practice something that I had read in a blog from Kindergarten Mind, regarding her Why Not Now? Wednesdays.  Maryanne Devine wrote about being curious when stuck, not paying too much attention to the project, just sort of keeping an eye on it.  So I decided to do that.  It makes sense to me.  Parker Palmer, Quaker spiritual director, talks about the soul as being a tentative animal that is easily scared back into hiding.  I had a deep sense that by following Maryanne’s advice, my stuckness would appear and show itself.

So, I put down my iPad and went for a walk with the pup.  I let my mind go blank with the movement of the walk, the beauty of the woods, the warmth of the sun, the feel of the pup next to me, the sound of both of our breathes as we walked.  And that is when I realized that I was resisting, resisting the Shadow again.  I saw out of the periphery of my Eye this invitation to play with Black once again.  It was an invitation to bring the Shadow around all the various different chakras.  It makes sense.  Each of my chakras have had to work through the murkiness of my Shadow to come forth and express themselves.  

Ah, thank you Maryanne.  That was a great idea and it worked.

Sort of.  I now knew what I had to do, but not why I was resisting.  I say this because when I sat down the next day to follow that invitation, I just couldn’t do it.   I found myself going back to the black bubbles.  I stopped myself, saying “No that is not the invitation.”  But I found that all I could do was darken the non-flower areas a bit more.  I found that I had to accept that.

So, back to Maryanne’s exercise.  I needed to be curious about this resistance.  I needed to play around it but not with it directly.  I needed to engage it on the periphery and allow it to show itself in its own time. 

I’m learning that this is what the process of going deeper is all about.  Each time the invitation comes to go deeper, resistance appears.  (At least for me.)  I have to pay attention to that resistance.  Going deeper ends up being about addressing and working through the resistance.  Opening it up.  Bursting forth from it into whatever is next.  Putting it up on the painting.  Releasing it into the Universe.  

So, I went back to being curious.  I cleaned my house.  Packed all my belongings in my car for moving to Philadelphia.  Washed my dishes.  Walked the pup again.  Played with something entirely different -- a little mini play date.  Wrote some poetry.  Played on Facebook.  

All the time, keeping my Eye on the resistance.  And this is what I learned.

It is dark.  

It peeps out of its hiding spot quickly, like a mouse going in and out of its hiding spot.  

It does not really want to be seen.  

It enjoys playing hide and seek.

It revels in messing me up.  In stepping out and knocking me over just when I’m about to get on a roll with something.

It bubbles up in my belly then moves into my head whispering words of failure and fear.

Hmmm.....

It is time to paint it out.  To put it on that painting.  I now understand why it needs to wrap around each of the flowers, each of my chakras.  It really is trying to close them down, block them, jam them up.  I need to see it to believe it.  

So, I took a deep breathe.  I picked a black spray-like brush and went to work.  When finished, I looked at it.   I could not tell the difference between this and the previous one, except that I added a twinkle in the heart chakra.  I am left with a feeling that I went to the Light too soon.  This resistance that I have been feeling did not really show up.

Deep breath.  

Try again.

That is better.

It looks like the darkness is choking, blocking the flow of the chakras.  

Yeah.  

That is the resistance. 

Right there on the painting now.

Releasing into the Universe.

Now, I can start healing it.  

Bursting the box it has around the flow of my energy.  

Stopping its negativity in my life.

Now, I can listen for the positive whisper of my Soul with the resistance released from its place of power.

And it begins....

That bridge between my sacral and heart chakras starts to open again....

My hope for what I want in love and life begins to rise....

I am now intrigued to see what will show up in the next few days as I continue to add to this painting.

I am curious to see how my Soul plays with and engages Resistance.

I can feel it beginning in my heart...as it opens.... expands... twinkles... re-engages that mischievous nature that has recently shown up.

Hmmm.....curiosity it seems is the answer to becoming unstuck.

The Invitation from the Eye...

Because my Eye freaked me out, I continued to work on the same piece, going deeper, paying close attention to my Eye, listening to what it was asking of me and going there.  I spent three days working on just my Eye.  Playing with it.  Adding to it.  Allowing it to come to its fullness of expression...

In my previous blog, I shared to the point of the twinkle that showed up and how it sparked some poetry.   

Last night, this came.  This Haiku.  It came in the middle of the night enlightening me to what is happening with my Eye.

Tears Fall Westwardly

Cleansing healing woundedness

Heart rooting growing

Tears Fall Westwardly

Twinkle ignites in my Eye

Heart Blossoms Open

I sat with that twinkle waiting for the next invitation, learning from it:  the spark of energy, life, vibrancy;  but also that spark of mischievous playfulness.  When I opened to that mischievousness the invitation appeared...

The invitation to open my heart to love and life and play.  The invitation to embark on the journey of life by following my heart.  The invitation to allow my heart to guide me, to open me, to drive me, to root me.  

I love that the hearts came in purple.  The deep purple of the Crown Chakra first.  Reminding me to first open my heart to the Holy so that it is the Holy’s heart that flows through me, that expresses Herself through my heart.  

So that, as the lighter purple of the Third Eye arrived, all that I do, all that I manifest, all that I listen to for guidance is intertwined with the Holy, the Sacred in this world and beyond.

And then the Light showed up.  After the lighter purple of ME, the Light of the Holy appeared as a rose shining forth over all that was, is and amazingly will be...

The following morning, I began to realize that I was too attached to the Eye.  The Eye had come and taught me what I needed to learn (for the moment).  Now I felt like it was time to move deeper, to release the Eye and the Rose into the Universe and see what would show up.  That was tough to do because the only way I know how to do this in painting is to ruin my painting; to do something drastic that will bring about an “UGH! I hate this” reaction.  It was a huge UGH reaction when I went there.  So huge, that I spent the whole following two days working hard to bring some sense of peace to my soul and painting.

I started by making the twinkle larger and that was okay.  I added fireworks to the rose and that was okay.  It was when I touched the yellow circle that everything fell apart.  Then the enlarged spiral completely put me over the edge.  My soul was shaken.  

Of course, it did not help that I was also packing all my belongings to move out of my apartment making the ending of a 10 year relationship real.  It was probably not the best day to ruin my painting and send me into my Shadow.  But I have realized that, in my life, that is the time it happens;  those are the moments when stuff bubbles up from my Shadow inviting me to pay attention yet again to something that needs healing, releasing, expressing, reclaiming, growth.

So I worked at this painting....

  

and I worked at it....

and continued to work at it

until it began to come together....

until all of my Chakras showed up.  

I had this moment -- wow!!!  So that is what this is all about.  I’ve been painting them one by one for months.  Painting them set me on this journey that I’ve been on.  And I am about to begin painting them again, weekly this time.

Here they all are, twirling, spiraling, doing their thing:

First the Third Eye (lighter purple)

Then the Heart (green)

Then the Throat (voice) (blue)

Then Power (yellow)

Then Sacral  (orange)

Then Root (red)

and finally Crown  (darker purple)

And then Light showed up again, mixed with Shadow.  It seems to me that this is wholeness.  Light and Shadow together as one engaging all the Chakras in living fully.  

A really cool vibrant active bouquet of life!!!!

Practice Brings Confidence

I paint at BrushHeart Studios  (http://www.brushheart.com/) in Berwyn, PA.  My teacher put out a challenge she is calling the 40 Day Creativity Experiment (http://www.brushheart.com/node/85).  Here is how she describes it:

 “Being creative is your birthright. What would you feel like if you allowed your creative voice to be present in your life?.

Feel more ALIVE by Expressing your creativity daily.

Reduce stress expressive your creativity

One mark, One image, One word a day- will allow you to feel more alive.  What is the 40 day Creative Experiment?

Expressing your creativity daily is just as vital as breathing and eating. When we express our creativity; our heart becomes more joyous, a smile arrises, and stress disappears.

Join me and others as we try an experiment. for 40 days in a row.

Guidelines

Choice the medium you will work in, remember this will be for 40 days so it might be something you need to travel with.  You need to add to your ONE creative piece everyday. Don't remove anything or cover anything up because you don't like it, but you can end up layering over what you did the day before. This is about the creative PROCESS not the end result.”

I decided to take the plunge, to work on one piece for 40 days.  This freaked me out.  I have not done that before.  That is a huge commitment.  One piece for 40 days.  What if I run out of ideas?  What if I get stuck?  What if I get too attached and don’t want to change something?  Can I really commit to one piece for 40 days?

I decided I needed to practice, to see how it would feel to work on one piece for more than a few hours.  I also wanted to make sure the medium I was contemplating will work -- My Brushes on my iPad.  I need to be mobile, especially in August.  I will be commuting between Philadelphia and NJ plus I’ll be doing some continuing education and more.  So I must be flexible in my medium.

I have been about one week working on the same piece.  It has been an interesting experience playing with the same piece.  A few things have happened:

Day One

• I have been forced into an awareness of my attachments, as I attempted to add one stroke to the painting each day without messing up something I love.  In this painting, it is the rose-like circle that I created into a flower.  It has been there since the first day.  I am very attached to it.  I know at some point in the next week or so, I am going to have the “ruin” it to move deeper into whatever I am being invited into in this work.  

Day One

• I have learned that it takes courage to ruin your work, courage to go deeper, courage to follow the flow of the brush, paint, finger touching the screen, etc.  It takes courage to face the depth of my Soul and listen to what it has to teach me.  In this case, what my Soul needs to teach me about healing the wounds to my heart, power, voice so that I can blossom fully into Future Me.

Day Two

• I have been confronted twice by a new theme that popped up in my last painting -- the Eye.  Each time, it freaks me out.  It is like something is staring deep into my Soul and I have no walls to hide from it.  I know it is an invitation from the Holy to go deeper, to open myself more to my Shadow self; to allow deeper conversation between my Shadow and Light selves.  I know that.

Day Three

• 
  

• I have learned that this 40 day creative challenge is not going to let me ignore those invitations.  The first time that Eye showed up, I ignored it.  I covered it up.  Yes, I will admit that.  I did not want to go there. Instead of going there, paying attention to the Eye, I followed the rose and created a blossoming of my heart expanding out further and further into the Universe.  And I stayed there, playing with that concept for a few days, ignoring the Eye.  

Day Four

• Notice though, the Eye does not really get completely covered up.  This intrigues me.  No matter how hard I tried to cover it up, it just continued to peak through...

Day Five

And then another Eye appeared.  This time it formed without my help, without my attention...unconsciously.  If you look maybe you can see the shape of the Eye appearing between the stem and pink heart.  It is there.  

One morning, I could not ignore that Eye anymore.  To “go there” I had to ruin my painting.  So, I put green and purple fireworks exploding from the rose and hearts.  This loosened me up.  Relaxed me.  Changed the painting enough that I was not as attached.  I could then put that Eye right were it appeared.  I just followed the outline, created the pupil, added the spiral.  Then I freaked out.  Yes, I freaked out.  I kept opening up My Brushes, looking at it, closing it, and walking away.  

Day Six

• I was unsettled.  That is okay.  I am learning that is part of this process.  The painting is going to unsettle me because it is inviting me to go deep, deep into my Shadow self, deep into my wounds and face parts of me I would rather ignore.  That is the Holy work of healing.  

Day Seven

• The healing comes with the next stroke... For me that was the realization that the Eye needed to cry tears.  So I turned my iPad and created tears.  What struck me was that the tears were not just blue.  They were also yellow, green, orange.  The wounds of my voice, heart, power and sexuality needed cleansing, releasing, healing.  As I put those tears there something did indeed shift, something released, let go, opened up.  This is why I continue painting, continue creating.

Day Eight

• Painting opens me to other creative expressions.  The healing began here in My Brushes, but it continued through different medium as I continued to add one stroke each day.

For me, it has recently turned to poetry.  This is shocking because I have not written poetry before in my life.  But painting has opened my creative self to expressing myself, to working through and processing what is happening inside myself through poetic expression.  It started when I needed to write a sermon the day after ending a 10 year relationship.  I had no words except poetry.  That is what my congregation got.  Spoken word.

It has continued.  My previous blog is the different poems that have come from processing my SoulCards.

Last night, this came.  This Haiku.  It came in the middle of the night enlightening me to what is happening with my Eye.

Tears Fall Westwardly

Cleansing healing woundedness

Heart rooting growing

Tears Fall Westwardly

Twinkle ignites in my Eye

Heart Blossoms Open

I am excited to see what happens when I engage the same work for 40 days.  This past 8 days of work has cracked me open in powerful ways.

This practice has given me the confidence to look forward to what the Holy will do in 40 days in my creative wilderness.

When Poetry Arrives....

As I shared in my previous blog, I have started a new spiritual discipline using Soul Cards.  I choose a card for the week and live with it, curious as to what will show up.  I journal about it.  Sometimes it comes into my painting.  Sometimes into my dreaming.

But what has been showing up in the last week is poetry.  Again.  This is quite interesting to me, as I do not think of myself as a poet.  However, it has brought powerful moments of healing, Ah Ha!!, and Now I Get It.

So, I thought I would share the poetry with you.  I will put the image of the Soul Card with its corresponding poem.

Heart Opening

Expanding, growing, transforming

Future Me

Shadows all around

I lay

pushing my Shadow away

I sit

inviting my Shadow in

into my vision

into my dreams

I kneel

integrating Shadow and Light

making me whole

I stand

waves rippling out

from ME.

I sit

cradling Death.

Holding it tenderly, lovingly

“Farewell,”  I whisper soothingly

Cradling it in my arms.

“Go and be with God,” I bless it

lifting it to the Heavens

releasing it as I would a dove.

“Peace on You Journey,” I call to Death

as I watch it fly away...

I am left 

standing there

empty

barren

stripped

arms open to the Universe

reaching and expanding

toward Shalom.

Blessed Be.