Wednesday, July 11, 2012

On Being Stuck....


Well, once I ruined my painting (in My Brushes on my iPad) and found peace again I began to experience a feeling and sense of being stuck. (If you are lost, check out my previous two blog entries.)  I had no idea what to do next.  I felt blocked.  I did not want to continue to engage this painting.  It felt complete.  Why mess with a sense of peacefulness and wholeness?
I wanted to start something new.
But that is not the invitation in a 40 day creative experience.  No, the invitation was to stay with one painting.  The invitation was to put at least one stroke on the painting each day.
Well, “I’m just practicing,” I reasoned with myself.
“Correct,” replied my creative soul. “The practice is not over.  You have not practiced for 40 days.”  
Hmmm....  My creative soul was right.  This is part of the process, getting stuck.  So I took a breathe and did what I was being invited to do.
I forced myself to put one stroke on the painting each day.  I went to my favorite non-messing up My Brushes stroke -- these soft bubbles that you can spread around the painting.  I picked white because I did not want to go dark.  I put them all over the painting creating a sense of snow and Light.
The next day, I was still stuck.    So, I choose my bubbles again, but this time black.  I put them all over the flowers lightly. Then I added a black flower, with a red spiral.
Then I began to be curious about why I was stuck.  What was happening that was causing me to not want to continue to engage this painting?
Was I too attached?  Probably.  But this stuckness was not like my not wanting to mess up my painting.  It felt different.  It was not in the same spot in my body either.
I decided to practice something that I had read in a blog from Kindergarten Mind, regarding her Why Not Now? Wednesdays.  Maryanne Devine wrote about being curious when stuck, not paying too much attention to the project, just sort of keeping an eye on it.  So I decided to do that.  It makes sense to me.  Parker Palmer, Quaker spiritual director, talks about the soul as being a tentative animal that is easily scared back into hiding.  I had a deep sense that by following Maryanne’s advice, my stuckness would appear and show itself.
So, I put down my iPad and went for a walk with the pup.  I let my mind go blank with the movement of the walk, the beauty of the woods, the warmth of the sun, the feel of the pup next to me, the sound of both of our breathes as we walked.  And that is when I realized that I was resisting, resisting the Shadow again.  I saw out of the periphery of my Eye this invitation to play with Black once again.  It was an invitation to bring the Shadow around all the various different chakras.  It makes sense.  Each of my chakras have had to work through the murkiness of my Shadow to come forth and express themselves.  
Ah, thank you Maryanne.  That was a great idea and it worked.
Sort of.  I now knew what I had to do, but not why I was resisting.  I say this because when I sat down the next day to follow that invitation, I just couldn’t do it.   I found myself going back to the black bubbles.  I stopped myself, saying “No that is not the invitation.”  But I found that all I could do was darken the non-flower areas a bit more.  I found that I had to accept that.
So, back to Maryanne’s exercise.  I needed to be curious about this resistance.  I needed to play around it but not with it directly.  I needed to engage it on the periphery and allow it to show itself in its own time. 
I’m learning that this is what the process of going deeper is all about.  Each time the invitation comes to go deeper, resistance appears.  (At least for me.)  I have to pay attention to that resistance.  Going deeper ends up being about addressing and working through the resistance.  Opening it up.  Bursting forth from it into whatever is next.  Putting it up on the painting.  Releasing it into the Universe.  
So, I went back to being curious.  I cleaned my house.  Packed all my belongings in my car for moving to Philadelphia.  Washed my dishes.  Walked the pup again.  Played with something entirely different -- a little mini play date.  Wrote some poetry.  Played on Facebook.  

All the time, keeping my Eye on the resistance.  And this is what I learned.
It is dark.  
It peeps out of its hiding spot quickly, like a mouse going in and out of its hiding spot.  
It does not really want to be seen.  
It enjoys playing hide and seek.
It revels in messing me up.  In stepping out and knocking me over just when I’m about to get on a roll with something.
It bubbles up in my belly then moves into my head whispering words of failure and fear.
Hmmm.....
It is time to paint it out.  To put it on that painting.  I now understand why it needs to wrap around each of the flowers, each of my chakras.  It really is trying to close them down, block them, jam them up.  I need to see it to believe it.  
So, I took a deep breathe.  I picked a black spray-like brush and went to work.  When finished, I looked at it.   I could not tell the difference between this and the previous one, except that I added a twinkle in the heart chakra.  I am left with a feeling that I went to the Light too soon.  This resistance that I have been feeling did not really show up.

Deep breath.  

Try again.
That is better.
It looks like the darkness is choking, blocking the flow of the chakras.  
Yeah.  
That is the resistance. 
Right there on the painting now.
Releasing into the Universe.
Now, I can start healing it.  
Bursting the box it has around the flow of my energy.  
Stopping its negativity in my life.
Now, I can listen for the positive whisper of my Soul with the resistance released from its place of power.
And it begins....
That bridge between my sacral and heart chakras starts to open again....

My hope for what I want in love and life begins to rise....
I am now intrigued to see what will show up in the next few days as I continue to add to this painting.
I am curious to see how my Soul plays with and engages Resistance.
I can feel it beginning in my heart...as it opens.... expands... twinkles... re-engages that mischievous nature that has recently shown up.
Hmmm.....curiosity it seems is the answer to becoming unstuck.

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