I had covenanted with myself to layer all my chakras on the same painting when I began the second round of painting my chakras. However, the Universe did not want me to do this the way I wanted. I arrived to paint and my teacher had taken down and folded up my sacral chakra painting. I took this as a sign that the Universe wanted me to open my heart to new paper.
So when it became time to paint, I found myself putting together 4 sheets of paper. Then I realized where I was to paint. (My teacher believes in allowing the Universe to select where we paint. She puts numbers in a basket and we all pick.) I picked a tight spot that really would not hold the size painting I put together to paint. So, I choose to put my painting across two different “stations” and over an obstacle (a beam). And thus began my heart chakra painting experience that took me down, down, down....
I started with a black line across the painting with a large brush. Then added some circles in black and some black x’s. Then the heart appeared. Blood red. Then I broke it, because that is how my heart was in the moment, broken, sad. I used white which made the blood red a mauve color.
Green came next. Three different colors. The grass green along the bottom. The dark green wanted to go with the black. Then the light green wanted to go in the top corner.
It was challenging to paint. The obstacle, that beam in the middle of my painting, made it very difficult to paint the way I normally paint, with my hands. I could not put much pressure on the paper or it would tear. The paper would not stay where it was, so making movement or shapes was challenging because I did not know how it would come out. I could not get paint to meld together. It just was not working. I was getting very very frustrated and angry and short-tempered!!
What color is frustration, anger, short-tempered? my teacher asked. Blue! So I started putting blue all over the right side of the painting. It was not working. I could not get the various shades of blue to come together. I could not get the paint to smear and move on the paper. The painting kept coming off the wall because I would put too much pressure.
Ugh!!!
I moved to the other side and attempted the same thing. And, of course, it did not work. I ran into the same problems. I also could not get the colors to come together in the middle. I got so frustrated that I grabbed the black paint brush and painted the left half black and left the right half blue.
It felt like I was painting two different paintings. So I made it look like I was painting two different paintings. Then I flopped on the floor in frustration and anger and tears came and I was stuck flat on the floor (literally).
My teacher reminded me not to be attached to the story. She asked me what I could do. I told her paint the whole damn thing black! She thought that was not the best idea, it was a cope out. And it was. I was battling my obstacle.
When I finally moved off the floor it was purple that I grabbed. I made the heart into a purple circle. I covered it over. It was hard to make a circle. The paper kept giving me a challenging time. It kept coming off the wall. I couldn’t get the circle in the middle of the paper. I couldn’t get it to look round. Frustration again!!!
Finally I just gave in. I gave in to the fact that this obstacle was not allowing me to take my normal route. I had to be creative and paint a different way. Ah, the lesson....
Once I did that, once I breathed that awareness in; something changed.
I learned that putting a massive amount of paint on and gently guiding the paint where it wanted to go worked. The circle formed.
I then wanted the black gone. I grabbed the white and just put massive amounts of white over the black creating grey.
I wanted color. I wanted a reflection of this new learning: that I need to open my heart to a new creative way of being in the world. So I grabbed paper. I began tearing it into pieces. I smeared it in my pallet and smacked that paper on the painting. It did indeed bring color. I did not try to stop the drips. They were bringing additional color. I just allowed it to do what it wanted. I allowed the paper to tear the way it wanted. I allowed the color to mix on the paper the way it wanted. I gave in to the paint, paper, and process. I released my anger and frustration. I let go.... finally....
When I was done, I stepped back. I have to say I was unhappy with this painting. I did not like it. I strongly disliked it. It was horrible, my Critic said.
It was not horrible. It was still split in two. And half of it was torn into pieces. I had indeed painted my heart in the moment.
That morning, I had moved out of my apartment completely. The life I had known for the past 10 years has ended. The partnership ended. I became homeless living between friend’s houses. I gave up my dog, my adventuring companion. I am alone.
Part of me had already processed a great deal of this movement in my life, had processed the death of it. Hope was there. Color was there. Transformation was beginning. A new Call has been experienced.
But a huge part of my heart had not quite realized what leaving, really truly leaving would be like. That day when I closed the door to my old apartment, keys and pup inside, me outside my heart broke like it had never broken before. I sat on the steps and sobbed. The pup laid on the other side of the door and whined. I cried harder and harder and harder.
As I look at this painting today, reflecting back upon the night I painted it, I captured the moment, the sadness, the brokenness, the tearing. All of it, through paint and paper.
I learned that to overcome this obstacle of brokenness I needed to be open to transforming the way I am in the world. If I do not want to manifest the same thing a third time, I have to go about it a different way. If I want to move into Future Me, I need to open myself to creative ways of being, creating, healing, living, manifesting in this world.
So be it! Lesson learned....
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