Can I fail at this? the wresting continues....

I awoke the next morning with an image in my head as where to start painting.  By now I should know better.  I should know that is a trap, a trap that will take me down fast!

The image was a circle (purple) echoing in a way out from the blood red circle, sort of like this:

But that is not what happened!  No.  My “echoing” circle ended up looking like half a heart echoing out from the blood red circle.  And I found myself in a ball of tears on the floor.

Not the way I wanted to start my morning of painting!!!

My broken heart up on my painting.  Ugh!

It had to appear.  It is the reason I was there on a “painting retreat” for the weekend.  I was there to work out some of my broken-heartedness and find peace in the midst of all these transitions.  So I sat with it and cried for awhile.  I cried myself out.

Then I got up, picked up the blue paint and began to form the purple broken heart into a purple circle, taking deep breathes and releasing all my tears as they bubbled up and out of my Shadow and Soul.

Then I turned my focus to the space under the red and purple circles.  A vine wanted to grow there.  I could see a beautiful flower blossoming out of the top of the painting, off the vine that snaked its way up the left side of the painting.  I began to paint the vine meandering its way up the painting.  I took the vine to the edge of the painting.  I allowed the “leaves” to spiral themselves into each circle.  The vine wanted more space.  I took a break to make sure and turned my attention to the flower.

I had my first three chakras painting with me.  I opened it up and began to arrange the paper into a format that would allow me to create a flower. I knew that the flower would birth itself from these chakras.  I began with a blood red circle in the middle.  Then I added white to make the circle mauve.  Then I began to add a purple of my own mixing to form the petals.  The flower ended up being huge.  I mean huge.  As I cut it out I began to wonder how it would go on the painting.  I began to find myself in my mind, nervous, not trusting my intuition.  I could not imagine it up on the wall.

So, I turned my attention back to the wall, back to the vine.  It did want to grow more.  I added paper and used blue to create the background.  Then I painted the vine up to the top corner of the painting and right off the edge.  I spiraled one more leaf at the top.

Then I added another sheet on the bottom of the painting, creating the blue background.  One more spiral to bring it all together.  Now the painting felt like it was ready to receive the flower....

But the flower did not seem ready to go up on the painting.  It needed something.  It needed to pop out, be 3-D.  So I went to work.  I began to crease the flower, fold it and tape it to form a more three dimensional flower.

Then I bravely tacked it up on the painting where I felt the invitation to do so.  And wow, my Critic kicked in: that was bad.  It took over the entire painting.  It covered the purple circle.  It stuck out way too much.  It was not right!

But I had put it up.  You can not remove something once it is up.  (Although I had tacked it up unsure I really wanted it there.)  But I followed the process.  I went and made lunch and ate lunch, came back and it was no better.  I rearranged my teacher’s paints organizing them by color, neatening them up.  Still no better!

It got worse, instead of better.  I sat and cried.  Worse.

So, I got up and painted a spiral in the middle of the flower.  Maybe that would make it better?

Nope!  Much worse.

Now when I look at it, I don’t think it is too bad.  It is kind of cool.  But in the moment I couldn’t stand it!  It had to go!

I broke all the “rules” to intuitive painting and took it down.  I sat it on the floor in front of me and cried and cried and cried.

Then, I looked up and saw an orchid staring at me.  Without thinking I began to cut up the purple flower and create orchid leaves. Then I painted it bright pink, the same color as the path.

I took a break.  I sat and read.  I emailed.  I uploaded my photos and posted them on Facebook.  I played.

Then, after the orchid had mostly dried, I picked it up and headed toward my painting.  I thought it was going up in the corner where the other flower was, but it ended up in the bottom corner directly over the purple star.

I tacked it up and left for a while.  I went and ran errands, got out of the studio and breathed some fresh air.

When I got back I loved where it was.  My heart was full of peace.   The painting seemed to be coming together.  I put a second coat of pink on the orchid to brighten it up.  I “fixed” the top corner so that the vine spiraled itself at its top.  And I called it a day!

I’m still pondering that purple flower and my reaction to it.  It was a strong reaction.  Something huge had bubbled up out of my Shadow.  This time, instead of accepting it and releasing it, I stuffed it back down deep into my Shadow to keep me safe.

Did I fail at my task for the day?  Part of me feels yes, I failed.  

Part of me is saying, “Be gentle with yourself.  You dealt with as much as you could in the moment.  It will return and you can deal with the rest of it then.”  I think this part is right.

I did not fail.  I can not fail at this process.  I can run into bumps.  I can run away from something hard.  I can ignore stuff.  But I can not fail.  That I have learned.

Here is why:  it will present itself again for me to deal with.  The unconscious will bubble that same thing up (maybe in a different form) again in the future.  There is no escaping that.  When ready, I will deal with it.  I will accept it as part of myself and release it into the Universe.  

I am learning that sometimes, however, it takes companionship and support to find the courage and strength do that.