Light! Light! and more Light...Painting my Crown Chakra

Light has been a theme for the last couple of weeks in my 40 Day Creative Painting Experience.  For the past 10 days it has exploded in that painting on my iPad.

I have not been able to get enough Light in the painting.  I feel it exploding in my Soul.  I feel it expanding my Heart, opening it once more to the world.  I feel it opening my Shadow more and more to the Holy for reordering, cleansing, reclaiming.  What I find most interesting about the appearance of Light is that it began when I sat for the first time in Centering Prayer.  Each time I sit prior to painting, more and more Light comes in and through me, in and through the painting.

When I came to paint my Crown Chakra this time, I was curious to see what would happen.  I wondered if the Light would migrate onto this painting.  I wondered if I would be able to surrender to the Holy my attachment to this painting enough for the Light to appear.  This painting began as a lesson in acceptance and surrender to the Holy’s presence in my life, so it seemed fitting that the final layer’s focus was about the presence of the Holy in my life.

I began by re-visiting that blood red circle with the blue swirl that I exploded the prior week when painting my Third Eye.  It felt like it needed more Light.  I got the twirly brush-thing and began to intensify the Light that was exploding.  I brought it to the edge of the blood red circle.  I began to feel my body relax and my spirit begin to open...

A purple swirl appeared in the middle of the circle surrounding the Eye that I had etched into it at the end of the previous week’s painting.  

I added more Light, twirling it out and integrating that swirl into the explosion of Light.  That felt better.  But there was not enough Light.  I needed, I craved more and more Light.  The painting needed to shine forth with Light!!!

So, I turned to the top corner where I had put the star the previous week.  I painted it white, hoping that would bring enough Light.  (Notice how attached I am to what is there?)  Well, the Holy has been teaching me to surrender to the Light in Centering Prayer.  So, the only thing the Holy would accept, the only thing my creative spirit would accept, was surrender and unattachment to the painting.

I took a deep breathe and using white (yes white, even though it looks mauve) and covered the star and the circle.  The white mixed with the blood red on the star and made it mauve.  I began to pull the Light out from the circle, to swirl it out from the center like a hurricane.  I added more and more white.  I pulled out further and further... so far that the orange arrow was in my way.  I turned the arrow at first, leaving it hanging; but when it was totally in the way I removed it and put it on the floor.  The Light wanted to grow bigger and bigger.  It wanted to be brighter and brighter, so I grabbed yellow-white and began to use that to enlarge the explosion of Light.  I would put a good amount of yellow on the the spot and then begin to pull it out and down.

It really had a cool affect to me.  I was struck by how it resembled a Dr. Suess flower, and yet exploded Light forth.  Both.  

I sat down and took it in.  My soul wanted more.  The Holy wanted more.  Light!!!  Light!!! There is still more Light to shine forth from this painting....

I turned my attention to the gold circle in the top right corner.  I grabbed the brightest yellow I could find and covered the circle in it.  I was generous with the yellow so that the gold would not seep through as much.  I worked gently to bring forth more Light from that circle.  Then I glitter-glued it with yellow glitter to make it sparkle.  And it sparkles and shines brightly!!!

But yet, I wanted more Light!!!  The only place for it to come was the bottom right corner, from the dark green circle next to the path.  I decided to follow the same method and grabbed white-green and covered the dark green circle.  Again, notice my attachment to the painting, my resistance of the real invitation to explode that green.  I did not want to “mess up” the path.  I was completely attached to that path, that unobstructed path. 

But the Light wanted to explode.  It did not want to be contained.  Contained by the circle.  Contained by the path.  It wanted what it wanted!!!  I had to surrender to the Holy’s invitation....

I continued with the green-white and exploded that circle right over the path, up the painting almost to the yellow circle, across the painting, into the blood red circle and blue swirl.  I exploded that green circle as far as I could.

Then I sat back and looked at the painting.  I missed the path.  Part of it was missing.  I wanted the path.  I needed the path to be there.  I wanted to walk amongst the Light.

I grabbed the magenta and painted the path’s squares over the green Light.  That helped.  It looked really cool.  My unobstructed path beginning in the midst of Holy Light and leading me forward in life.....  I could resonate with that.

Now I felt stuck.  I sat and looked at the painting so far.  My teacher joined me.  She had already commented to me that the orange arrow had been removed.  I had already put it back up, but with tacks still.  We talked about it.  I know why I have not glued them.  The arrows are pointing in direction.  It is a huge commitment to glue them.  What if they want to change direction?  What if I want to change their direction?  She laughed.  She reminded me that I have issues with direction and accepting direction in my life, and then with great direction told me GLUE THEM!  So, I glued them.  

It was okay, but challenging to do.  I liked that they were movable.  I liked that they could change direction and allow my unconscious to point where I needed to place my attention.  But I have to admit, they had not moved or changed direction in a few sessions.  I even took down that orange one to preserve it and it went back the same way!  The arrows had committed themselves on their own already.  I needed to accept that and surrender to that.  GLUE THEM!!!

Once done, we began to do the “Name three things you can do to the painting...” exercise.  I don’t like this exercise.  It requires me to detach from the painting so that I can imagine new things on it.  It may even require me to “mess up” the painting even more.  I usually resist it.  And I did.  But my teacher, being wise, pushed hard....

I came to stars.  Stars on the painting.  Purple.

And here is what happened when I went to do it:

I grabbed the magenta and added a second coat to the path.  My teacher stood there next to me and said “Really?  I thought you were doing stars....”  I know I’m resisting....

But the stars came.  I did put them up.  They appeared around the vine by the magenta flower.  And that is where I left it for now.  It is not done yet.  I know it.  There is still more Light to add in the form of stars. The path is inviting me to attend to it more, to open my heart more, to invite the path to express and manifest Love in that deep Holy Sacred sense.

I feel like the Holy invited me into a physical painting experience of the last step of Welcoming Prayer; “Centering Prayer’s powerful companion piece for turning daily life into a virtually limitless field for inner awakening.” (p135)  Welcoming Prayer invites us to break our reaction cycles by taking us to a more spacious inner place so that our unconscious patterns of reaction do not just keep playing themselves out mindlessly.

It happens in three steps:  (1) focus and sink into the issue allowing it to embody you; (2) Welcome it, accept it as part of you; and (3) Let it go.  

I feel like this Chakra painting experience up to this night of painting was a physical manifestation of the first two steps, sinking into Present ME and welcoming all that is there.  This night, was letting go, surrendering to the Holy and the Light of the Universe, allowing it to transform me.

The teacher of Welcoming Prayer would end it with these words:

“I let go of my desire for security and survival.

I let go of my desire for esteem and affection.

I let go of my desire for power and control.

I let go of my desire to change the situation.”

I let go of MY desire to change this situation.....

The Third Eye: Sometimes Themes Repeat themselves...

This is the second time I painted my Third Eye.  The first time was really really rough.  I had just completed my Clearness Committee so I figured it was going to flow easily.  The Third Eye is after all about vision, intuition, the Big Picture.  That is not what happened.  I threw a huge temper tantrum on that painting before giving in  to what it wanted to tell me.  It actually took a friend to point it out to me.  “Looks like your pregnant to me.”  Hmm....

Now I have repainted most of my chakras a second time.  None of them have shown the same themes to me.  They have all taken me deeper into the Shadow, asking me to struggle with a different theme and challenge to each Chakra.  Opening each one up a little more.  Helping me see the connections in the wounds between Chakras.

The Third Eye took a different approach.  It is very clear upon what it wants me to pay attention to in my life.  I, however, took the wrestling method this night instead of the acceptance method.  It took some serious facilitating on the part of my teacher for me to go Oh! and awake to what was right in front of me.

That orange arrow, the one I obsessed on last week, directed me all night long pointing me to where my attention needed to be.  I set up my space and grabbed all the leftover paper and arrow and put it in front of my painting.  Then I sat and took the painting in, my eye continuing to be drawn to the floor and that orange arrow.  I finally picked up the arrow and tacked it on the painting without thought, blank mind.  I stood back and looked at where it was pointing.

Ok, that is where I will start.  I covered the swirl with orange paint, forming a small orange ball.  It struck me that there were four circles in a row and I wondered in my mind what that could mean.  I caught myself, before I allowed the story to form.  The focus of the evening was not the four circles.  No, the focus of the evening was what was happening in the blood red circle.  That blood red circle that had been haunting me for weeks, ever since I began to paint my heart chakra.  

Notice that the next thing that happened was that the orange arrow changed directions focusing on the blood red circle.  And, because I did not want to go there, another arrow showed up to point from the flower to the blood red circle.

My unconscious was not going to be gentle tonight!  Bluntness was the key.

So I listened to the arrows.  I focused my attention on the blood red circle and it took me to the floor, again. I began with a little bit of white in the center of the spiral working it into the blood red to give it that pink color.  

Then the swirl showed up and that was my undoing.  That swirl has been a theme for the past week or so in my 40 Day Creative Experiment painting.  It has shown up daily for the past 8-10 days.  New swirls arrive.  Old ones morph into light or something else.  But it is a constant theme in that painting.

I resisted at first.  And I realize that resistance is futile.  The reward, the work is in following the invitation.  So I grabbed a crayon and sketched it on the blood red.  Then I grabbed teal and began to put it on the painting with my hands.  It was not working well.  The blood red was bleeding through, so I went to a brush.  I painted the teal on, which is very different for me.  I added as much paint as I needed to get the swirl to be teal.  It needed to touch the edge of the circle, so I worked at widening it.  When the swirl had formed, I found myself plastered flat on the floor....for a long time....unable to move...

The red arrow needed to change direction.  I was able to do that.  Then back to the floor....until my teacher checked in.  

Where it is in your body?  My belly.

What is the color?  blue.

What is the feeling?  The only word I had was sadness. But that was not the feeling I was feeling.

She asked me to imagine blue filling up my belly, to allow that blue to fill me up to rest on that “sadness”.  Breathe in blue.  Then she asked which was stronger sadness or blue?  Blue.  Sadness was not there.

She asked for a word.  And I went Oh!

She asked for clarification and I looked at her.  She asked for the word, told me I needed to say it out loud.  Pregnant.  That was the word.

When I looked at the painting I knew what needed to happen.  Twirls needed to happen coming out from the white circle.  Twirls needed to happen giving texture to the vine.  Twirls needed to arrive and be on the painting.  Twirls.

I spent the next period of time, playing with the twirly brush, twirling the paint from my pallet onto the painting.  I started with the white circle.  Adding more white and twirling it out over the teal.  Then I moved to the vine, twirling different shades  of green up and down the vine.

I twirled orange on the arrow.  I twirled purple on the pink flower.  I twirled until I could not twirl anymore, until it was all out of me.

Then I sat back and stared at the painting.  The orange circle needed something.  I cut out a star and stuck it up without thinking.  Ah, there is the star I covered with the pink flower... making one more appearance.

I sat back down and took it in.  I began to ponder three things I could do to the painting:

1. I could “fix” the vine where it came in contact with the orange circle.  That is my Critic and mind at work.
2. I could paint it black.  That is my internal resistance at work.  That is a cope out.
3. blank....  I had no third thing.  I had no thing I could do to this painting at that moment.  But I knew it was not done.  I know it has more to teach me.  I know there is more to bubble up.

My teacher said to just sit with it.  She said this is a slow process.  Sometime it takes days for the next bubble to come.  Sit with it and be patient.

So, I’m sitting with it.  

I’m sitting with this image of pregnancy.  

I’m sitting with these arrows directing the movement of the painting.  

I’m sitting with the way that the unobstructed pink path morphed into a different image in my heart.  

I am sitting and waiting and opening my heart to what is next.... to how the Holy is going to reorder it, open it, transform it...for next is the Crown Chakra.

When Obsession takes Hold....

This is the last day of my three day “painting retreat.”  I went back to the studio after worship (it was Sunday).  I brought my journal with me.  I sat in front of the painting and took it in.  I moved back to the far wall and sat with my back resting on the wall and journaled for a while.  I wrote stream of consciousness about these paintings, about what was happening in my Soul, about what I was learning, about what I was running into.

When I was done, I decided to commit to the orchid.  I took it down and put glue on it and stuck it up on the painting.  It did not stay.  I put more glue on the painting and the flower and tacked it up.  Slowly, little by little, petal by petal I was able to get it to stick to the painting.  After about 1.5 hours, I was able to take the tacks out and the flower stayed put.

That was all I did to the painting that day.  The obsession happened off the painting on the studio floor.  An image of an orange arrow began to form in the vision.  I sat down, took the left over pieces of my chakra painting and began to form an arrow.  I decided it needed to be a double sided arrow so that it could hang in front of the painting.  I painted it orange. But the darkness of the painting still bled through.  And this is when obsession took hold....

It had to be orange.  I mean it had to be orange, no darkness bleeding through.  I sat and waited.  I moved it in front of the air conditioning vents to dry quicker.  Once I thought it was dry enough, I attempted to paint another layer and it got all tacky.  

So I squeezed a lot of paint on each piece and using a brush very gently escorted the paint around each piece adding more as needed until it was completely orange.  

Once I felt like it was orange enough I began to stare at the painting to figure out where this arrow was going to go.  That is when I became aware of my obsession.  I was obsessed with this arrow.  I had some hold on me that was not good.  There was an uncertainty in my Soul hidden behind the orange of the arrow.

I sat next to the arrow and contemplated it for a while.  I decided not to put it up.  It was way too wet anyway.  I decided to wait until Wednesday when I would be back to paint again.  Let it settle in my Soul.  Maybe that uncertainty and obsession would dissipate.  So I packed up my stuff.  I took pictures.  I cleaned up the studio.  And I left.

I went back to my friend’s house and began to prepare for my upcoming week of travel and craziness.  But that arrow would not leave me alone....

After dinner I found myself running errands and driving way out of the way past the studio.  I pulled into the parking lot on automatic pilot.  I put my car in park and sat there.  I gave in.  I gave in to this obsessive need to complete the arrow.  

I went back into the studio.  The paint was 90% dry.  I picked up the glue and glued the arrow together.  I knew I would not sleep if I did not complete this task.  Once it was glue together, that obsession began to dissipate.  The agitation I had been experiencing all day lessened.  I did not find a sense of peacefulness, but more of a sigh.

The arrow was not asking to be put up on the painting.  It was just asking to form completely.  That was enough.  I could continue the conversation next time...

Can I fail at this? the wresting continues....

I awoke the next morning with an image in my head as where to start painting.  By now I should know better.  I should know that is a trap, a trap that will take me down fast!

The image was a circle (purple) echoing in a way out from the blood red circle, sort of like this:

But that is not what happened!  No.  My “echoing” circle ended up looking like half a heart echoing out from the blood red circle.  And I found myself in a ball of tears on the floor.

Not the way I wanted to start my morning of painting!!!

My broken heart up on my painting.  Ugh!

It had to appear.  It is the reason I was there on a “painting retreat” for the weekend.  I was there to work out some of my broken-heartedness and find peace in the midst of all these transitions.  So I sat with it and cried for awhile.  I cried myself out.

Then I got up, picked up the blue paint and began to form the purple broken heart into a purple circle, taking deep breathes and releasing all my tears as they bubbled up and out of my Shadow and Soul.

Then I turned my focus to the space under the red and purple circles.  A vine wanted to grow there.  I could see a beautiful flower blossoming out of the top of the painting, off the vine that snaked its way up the left side of the painting.  I began to paint the vine meandering its way up the painting.  I took the vine to the edge of the painting.  I allowed the “leaves” to spiral themselves into each circle.  The vine wanted more space.  I took a break to make sure and turned my attention to the flower.

I had my first three chakras painting with me.  I opened it up and began to arrange the paper into a format that would allow me to create a flower. I knew that the flower would birth itself from these chakras.  I began with a blood red circle in the middle.  Then I added white to make the circle mauve.  Then I began to add a purple of my own mixing to form the petals.  The flower ended up being huge.  I mean huge.  As I cut it out I began to wonder how it would go on the painting.  I began to find myself in my mind, nervous, not trusting my intuition.  I could not imagine it up on the wall.

So, I turned my attention back to the wall, back to the vine.  It did want to grow more.  I added paper and used blue to create the background.  Then I painted the vine up to the top corner of the painting and right off the edge.  I spiraled one more leaf at the top.

Then I added another sheet on the bottom of the painting, creating the blue background.  One more spiral to bring it all together.  Now the painting felt like it was ready to receive the flower....

But the flower did not seem ready to go up on the painting.  It needed something.  It needed to pop out, be 3-D.  So I went to work.  I began to crease the flower, fold it and tape it to form a more three dimensional flower.

Then I bravely tacked it up on the painting where I felt the invitation to do so.  And wow, my Critic kicked in: that was bad.  It took over the entire painting.  It covered the purple circle.  It stuck out way too much.  It was not right!

But I had put it up.  You can not remove something once it is up.  (Although I had tacked it up unsure I really wanted it there.)  But I followed the process.  I went and made lunch and ate lunch, came back and it was no better.  I rearranged my teacher’s paints organizing them by color, neatening them up.  Still no better!

It got worse, instead of better.  I sat and cried.  Worse.

So, I got up and painted a spiral in the middle of the flower.  Maybe that would make it better?

Nope!  Much worse.

Now when I look at it, I don’t think it is too bad.  It is kind of cool.  But in the moment I couldn’t stand it!  It had to go!

I broke all the “rules” to intuitive painting and took it down.  I sat it on the floor in front of me and cried and cried and cried.

Then, I looked up and saw an orchid staring at me.  Without thinking I began to cut up the purple flower and create orchid leaves. Then I painted it bright pink, the same color as the path.

I took a break.  I sat and read.  I emailed.  I uploaded my photos and posted them on Facebook.  I played.

Then, after the orchid had mostly dried, I picked it up and headed toward my painting.  I thought it was going up in the corner where the other flower was, but it ended up in the bottom corner directly over the purple star.

I tacked it up and left for a while.  I went and ran errands, got out of the studio and breathed some fresh air.

When I got back I loved where it was.  My heart was full of peace.   The painting seemed to be coming together.  I put a second coat of pink on the orchid to brighten it up.  I “fixed” the top corner so that the vine spiraled itself at its top.  And I called it a day!

I’m still pondering that purple flower and my reaction to it.  It was a strong reaction.  Something huge had bubbled up out of my Shadow.  This time, instead of accepting it and releasing it, I stuffed it back down deep into my Shadow to keep me safe.

Did I fail at my task for the day?  Part of me feels yes, I failed.  

Part of me is saying, “Be gentle with yourself.  You dealt with as much as you could in the moment.  It will return and you can deal with the rest of it then.”  I think this part is right.

I did not fail.  I can not fail at this process.  I can run into bumps.  I can run away from something hard.  I can ignore stuff.  But I can not fail.  That I have learned.

Here is why:  it will present itself again for me to deal with.  The unconscious will bubble that same thing up (maybe in a different form) again in the future.  There is no escaping that.  When ready, I will deal with it.  I will accept it as part of myself and release it into the Universe.  

I am learning that sometimes, however, it takes companionship and support to find the courage and strength do that.

Wrestling with the Holy....

I am in major transition in my life.  

I am between careers and Callings.  I just ended one and am awaiting for the next Call to show up.

I am between relationships.  

I am between geographic locations, living out of my car and on sleeping friend’s beds.

I am living in the in-between

as Jacob was when he wrestled with the angels at the river Jordan -- half in Canaan and half outside.

That night, Jacob slept on the non-Canaan side of the river.  Jacob’s household slept in Canaan.  An angel of God arrived and wrestled with Jacob until morning...leaving him with a wounded hip, a mark of their struggle.

I stood in the in-between, borrowing my friend’s studio to paint for the weekend, knowing deep in my Soul that I was going to wrestle with the Holy as Jacob wrestled with God.  Earlier that day, I was asked by the Spiritual Direction program I am about to enter to talk about my connection to God.  My answer, “I am Jacob wrestling with the angel.  God is the angel.”

I brought all of my chakra paintings:  the first three layered one on top of each other, my heart, and my throat chakra.  My hope was to come away from this wrestling with one whole integrated painting...

I began by allowing the Universe to select where I was to paint.  I took my teacher’s basket of numbers and picked.  Thankfully I picked the large open wall.  I said a prayer of thanksgiving to the Universe and breathed a deep breathe of relief. Finally, it felt like the Universe was taking care of me....

I took my heart chakra and put it up on that wall.  Then I hung my throat chakra next to it.  I stood back and took it in.  It felt right so I taped them together and started my afternoon and evening of painting.

Those pink pieces of paper were haunting me.  But they were a part of the painting.  I left them alone.  I busied myself instead with integrating the two paintings together.  I began to use the different shades of blue and integrate the backgrounds of the throat and heart chakras into one chakra expression.  Then the flame began to migrate its base into the throat chakra painting. 

Then, I grabbed the blood red and “wiped” the slate clean.  I painted over the pink pieces of paper.  I worked at the flame some more, painting over the pink pieces of paper also.  When done, I stood back and took in the painting so far.

The background came together nicely.  I was shocked that I had not wiped out the star at the bottom, but had carefully and lovingly left it there...untouched.  I had been extremely careful to not touch the pink path as I worked on the flame and blood red circle.

Now, I felt like I was ready to address the flame and the “issue” of the pink pieces of paper.  They had to go somewhere.  And this would be my lesson for the night.  Accept what the painting wants, not what I want on the painting.  Accept what the paint wants to do, not what I want the paint to do.  Accept my life as it is, not how I wish my life had gone.

So, I forced the pink pieces of paper.  I put them in a spiral like I had wanted to the night before.  This time I consciously did not allow my unconscious to take over.  I did what I wanted to do with those pink pieces of paper.

And they formed a halo of the angel I was wrestling.  When I was done, I couldn’t get out of my head the fact that they looked similar to the brain-shaped labyrinths.  I found it funny how my unconscious still found a way to speak to me, to bubble up, to resist my resistance of it.

Apparently, I was not going to get away with ignoring my unconscious.  I was not going to get away from doing the work.  This fire, this circle, these pink pieces of paper had something to teach me.

Accept life for what it is.  Accept.

I’m reading this book on Centering Prayer.  The author writes this as she describes the process of letting go of thoughts in prayer:

“A surrender method is even simpler.  One does not even watch or label the thought as it comes up, takes form, and dissipates.  As soon as it emerges into consciousness, one simply lets it go.  The power of this form of meditation does not reside in a particular clarity of the mind or even in presence, but entirely in the gesture of release itself.....Letting go of a thought is a small but powerful symbol of our willingness in a larger sense to let go of our own stuff and return to that open attending upon God.”  (Cynthia Bourgeault, Center Prayer and Inner Awakening, p 20 and 26) 

The author then goes on to talk about how by freely releasing our thoughts as they arise in Centering Prayer, we are bringing our attention back to the Holy and allowing the Holy to reorder our innermost sacred self.  If we hold onto a thought or wrestle with something, we are holding the Holy at bay, keeping that moment of healing and transformation from happening.

This day of painting was about learning this physically through paint and paper.  The more I wrestled with wanting that flame on that paper, the more agitated I became.  I found myself pacing the studio.  I found tears coming up.  I found myself becoming angry, frustrated, unsettled.  I was pushing the Holy away.  I was not accepting that blood red circle for what it was.  I was masking it with a flame and pink pieces of paper.

I finally grabbed the blood red and painted over the pink pieces of paper and the flame.  I grabbed the blue and began painting over the base of the flame.  I took all “my conscious needs” off the painting.  I allowed the painting to be as it wanted to be, as deep down in the depth of my soul I knew intuitively it needed to be.

For days, I had been working at hiding that blood red circle.  I had tried to cover it up with purple.  I had put a flame over it.  I had put different configurations of pink paper over it.  But it needed to stand alone.  A big blood red circle in the middle of my painting.

It felt right.  And it felt unsettling.

This is the way I left it for the night.  Unsettled.  Simple.

A weight had been lifted.  I felt a deep inner sense that the blood red circle needed to stand alone, by itself.  That lifted a weight that I had been wrestling with.  I had finally consented to the Holy, accepted this as part of myself.

Yet, it haunted me.  I knew it was not done teaching me.  This blood red circle had more to disclose to me, more to bubble up out of my Shadow, more for me to accept and let go of.

But I was exhausted from wrestling for 3.5 hours.  I cleaned up and sat and took in the painting as it was.  I struggled with accepting the emptiness of the space the flame inhabited.  

I decided to trust the process.  After all, the process had not led me astray yet....