The Grace of Silence...

I began a Contemplative Spiritual Direction Certification class.  It is held at a retreat center three days a month.  As I prepared for going I felt a deep invitation to take paint and paper with me.  My teacher had recently given me a bucket full of paints.  I packed those and all my paint into my car, picked up paper from her studio and headed to the retreat center praying that there would be a place for me to paint.  Painting has become a real important tool for my inner work and processing.

When I arrived I checked out the “map” of the center.  There was an art room!  Yeah!  I checked it out and everything I would need to paint was there.  We were the only group there so I was not going to be interrupted or have to share the space.  Totally awesome.

I got my paint and set myself up for painting.  Each evening after evening prayer the program practices silence until after breakfast the next morning.  I decided to spend that time of silence with my paint and paper and see what shows up.

Prepared I went off to evening prayer....then in silence returned to this new sacred space.

I started with a deep purple circle in the middle of the paper.  Next came blue around the circle, then blue all over the paper covering integrating the purple into the blue.

I began to feel an invitation to change the orientation of my painting.  As I looked at the blue paper, it wanted to be horizontal not vertical.  I followed that invitation and changed the orientation of the paper.

And then the purple circle showed up again, in the same spot.  A spiral formed with the back of my brush as I scrapped away the purple paint allowing the blue behind it to come through.

I stood back and awaited the next invitation.  It was green.  I did not know where, so I grabbed the green, put it in my hand, and trusted my Creative Self to guide me.  The green started in the top right corner and came down like a funnel cloud diagonally through the painting, touching the edge of the purple circle.  I did not like that.  My heart was unsettled with the invasion of the circle, with the disruption of that spiral.  And it was too dark.  I wanted Light.

I grabbed the yellow and put a single line of yellow alongside the green. Then I used a brush and put yellow echoing out from the purple circle.  I filled the space in between the yellow with a bright fluorescent green.

I stepped back and took in the painting.  That green felt like it went right through my heart.  My Shadow present.  Light working to balance it out.  My journey blocked, disrupted, obstructed....

I worked at the green some more.  Running my fingers up and down, integrating the yellow in, adding more brighter green to lighten it up.  But it was not changing.

I turned to the circle.  I grabbed purple and began to reform the circle.  It got murky, Shadowy.  It was too wet.  It needed to dry some.  There was too much paint, too many layers to do what I wanted to do, so I went and grabbed a fan and put it directly on the painting.

Then I changed my focus.  Back in May, I began to pay attention to the sayings on Dove chocolates I was eating.  They began to sink into my spirit, to resonate within my heart.  I started saving them without thinking really.  I would eat a chocolate, read the saying and if something resonated I would fold the foil in such a way as to preserve the saying.  The sayings then were deposited in my singing bowl for safe keeping.

When I moved out of my apartment, I unceremoniously packed them in a snack-sized ziploc bag and threw them in with my paint supplies.  I did not want to throw them away.  I had a sense that sometime they were going to become something greater.

That night, in the midst of silence, I grabbed those sayings.  I began to sort through them.  I read them.  I paid attention to what resonated within my heart.  I put them aside.

I grabbed the scissors and began to cut them up.  I made some into ovals; some into hearts; some stayed square; one became a cloud; some diamonds.  I allowed the saying to determine the shape.

When I had completed that invitational task, I went back to my painting.  It became clear what needed to happen.  A tree needed to form in the painting.  But first, the painting needed simplicity.

I thanked the green for showing up in its tunnel form.   I grabbed the green paint again and began to integrate the tunnel and green into a background.  I kept going all the way around the painting.  I began to feel an invitation to move my fingers outward from the purple circle as if the purple was radiating the green, blue and yellow.  I added light green and yellow to lighten it up. 

I realized that I needed to accept that one side was going to be lighter than the other.  One side had more Shadow.  The Other side more Light.  

I grabbed red, primary red and began to work it into the circle.  The circle became this really cool purple shade.  I added some lighter purple that I had and worked at the circle until I was satisfied with its roundness and size.  

Then it was time to leave it for the night.  The paper was too wet for a tree to form.  I was tired.  I cleaned up and headed for bed.

Here is the thing I have learned about this process, when the time is right my body reacts to the invitation.  So, at 4 am my body awoke with this sense that now is the time to paint that tree.  I have learned to not fight that invitation...it will only lead to frustration on my part.  I have learned to accept  this as part of who I am, and how I process.

I got up, took a shower, journaled, and headed to the paint room.  I turned on the lights.  The circle looked wet still.  It was tacky to touch.  the rest was dry.  I realized that I would not be able to paint the tree with my fingers and hands, a brush was the only instrument that would work.

I grabbed a brush, my pallet and the brown paint.  I put brown paint in and began to paint the tree one branch at a time.  I started up and to the right.  Then the left began to form.  Then the center.  I ended each branch with a spiral, with that invitation to journey.  I had a sense that something was going to grow out of the spirals, flower forth.

I noticed that the tree as not balanced, that there was more on the left than on the right.  I noticed that the circle was also more to the left, off centered.  I sat with that for a bit and awaited what was next.

A Star that was what was next.  One star that became a night sky of stars.  I began with that large star.  What is curious to me is that after that the smaller stars appeared (for the most part) in threes.  I kept going, adding large and small stars until I hit a spot of resistance.  I did not want to add a star below the branches. 

I went to the top of the painting and hit resistance again.  This time a different resistance, more like a resistance that said “Stars do not go past here.”  Each time I thought about or even reached to place a star past that top spiral, my belly and heart said NO!, my body stopped me.  After a few tries, I surrendered to this movement within me, curious as to what that was about.

I turned my attention back to the base of the tree wondering if the same resistance was there.  I took a deep breathe and reached to paint a star.  The star went up.  But it asked to be bigger.  I painted a larger and larger star over it until the star was big enough.  

Then the stars said, that is enough.

And I stopped for a bit.  I cleaned up and prepared for morning Centering Prayer...then off to a silent breakfast.  What I am noticing in this silence is that my internal creative self does not have to push as hard to get me to listen and heed its invitations.  I was eating when this invitation arise within me to go and finish the tree.  I knew what was next.  

I finished breakfast, and left rather quickly and headed straight for my painting.  It was time to glue the saying on.  The sayings were the fruits, the flowers of this tree.  I grabbed a saying, read it, put glue on it, and allowed my Creative Self to place it on the tree where it needed to go. 

Each spiral received a saying, an invitation to my Soul.  

“Feed your sense of anticipation.”

“Feel free to be yourself.”

“Open your eyes to all the love around you.”  “Do all things with love.”  

“Dare to dream.” 

“Believe in yourself.”  

“Forget the rules and play by your heart.”

The base of the tree received one rooting itself deeply in this sense of life and love. “Be free.  Be happy.  Be You.”

Now it was time for class to begin.  I was ready.  I felt gratitude for the “flowering” of the tree.  I felt a sense of closure.  I knew the painting was not done, but it was at a good place to rest.   

As we broke silence together in group, our teachers asked us to share the grace that came to us in our silence....  I took everyone on a field trip to see and experience the grace for themselves.