I have begun a new painting in MyBrushes on my iPad for the next 40 days. I decided that this creative ritual in the mornings is important to my growth and healing. It has taught me a great deal about myself. It has helped me process through the crap and pain of my summer, through my broken heart. It has helped me open and cleanse more of my Shadow. It has begun to help me feel whole.
So, I opened a new empty blank screen. As always happens with a blank paper, I have this moment of panic: “Where to start” “What if I don’t have anything to say?” “What if I am a fake?” These are the thoughts that go through my head before I put my first mark on the paper. It is my Critic messing with my head and heart. I have to breathe it out so that my creative self can take over. “Get out of my head Critic. Get out of my Heart Critic. This space is for my growth and creative self. This is about Future ME.”
I started with the dark green spots then added black dots. Then I changed to the glowing brush and put the purple spiral. A green circle formed followed by the white heart in the middle. Then a small tiny yellow figure at the base of the white circle.
It feels like my future is going to emanate out of my heart. It is all based, housed, in my heart. My heart is connected to Light. So really, my future is connected to the Holy, to Light, to all that needs to emanate into the world. I know that. I feel that bubbling up more and more each day. I’m beginning to really truly accept it deep into my belly. Then I believe that it will explode out into my career, into my family, into FUTURE ME -- a life and way of being in this world that is full, large, creative, happy.
Day 2:
I began with the blue scribbles around the spiral in a circle. Then the orange fire works brush around the green circle . Then yellow glow around the whole painting, bringing forth more radiance and brightness.
Then the white hearts appeared. Growing. One larger than the other. Reaching out into the world. Expanding.
Then a figure arrived. At first it came in the eraser brush, like Light hidden among the painting. Then it morphed into orange and the green heart appeared in the figure.
My heart is definitely expanding. I feel it sitting on top of the peaks contemplating the beauty around me, allowing all that sadness at the latest round of pastoral rejections to bubble up and out, tears to flow, reordering to happen through contemplation and prayer. I feel the Holy nearby. I see the Holy all around me. How can you not when this is your view:
Everywhere I looked beauty was around me. It was my first solo hike in a long time. Me and the Holy and nothing between us. Stuff bubbling up. Good stuff. Hard stuff. Me breathing it out with each step, focusing in on my heart, on Love, on Hope, on Light. Allowing the Holy to do Her thing....
And today’s painting is the result of that time with the Holy. My heart expanding. Me showing up larger than yesterday. Day 1 I was a tiny figure at the base of my heart. Today the figure is large amongst the growing expanding heart.
The mountains always do me good!
Day 3:
More growing in my heart. More expanding.
I started with the figure. I traced it with a dark purple, made it clearer. Then a smaller figure showed up in the bottom corner. I wanted to connect the two. It felt like the smaller one was projecting itself to become the Large Figure. I began with purple fireworks brush, then used the green. That was not quite doing it. It sort of showed the movement. So I used red and made a heart around the purple figure. Then I went back to green and used green arrows moving from the small to the large figure. Then the blue heart emanated out from the small figure holding and encircling the large figure.
Then hearts appeared all in the blue heart. Red, blue, green, white, orange and finally the green hearts in each figure.
I came North for the weekend in search of some quiet meditative hiking to allow the silence of hiking to bring me closer to Future Me; to put me in contact with the Holy; to engage my body physically in this meditative process.
I have done just that. I have immersed myself in the beauty of the world around me. From the high peaks, to cascades and ponds and wilderness. Yesterday’s hike was through the wilderness.
I spent time sitting quietly by a cascade, contemplating the stone river bed, listening to the roar of the flumes and water, breathing it in. I sat quietly by a pond deep in the wilderness. I breathed in this quiet silent space, untouched by technology and the busyness of the world. Contemplative Prayer in each place.
I needed that quiet. I needed that reminder of the beauty around me. I needed that experience of becoming one with the world around me. I needed to get in touch with the rhythm of Mother Nature, touch and root myself back to Her core, to Her beat.
When I touch back into the real world, back to Philadelphia, I want to feel more grounded, more ready to dive into the hard work of creating this career I feel called to. I am ready to dive into Spiritual Direction work, into creating a Spirituality Center, into embracing Future Me.
It will be hard work. I trust that this creative process that has brought me to this place will guide me to Future ME; will journey this journey with me, opening my heart, grounding me, energizing me, focusing me as I do the work I am meant to do.
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