I was not ready for what happened in this painting. It had been an extremely busy week. I had to get all my hours in before heading to PA to paint. I wrote two sermons, prepared bulletins, prepared for Saturday’s confirmation, planned ahead in worship, and fulfilled the normal office-oriented stuff that comes up all in two days.
The night before was Ash Wednesday. I had to preach. I set up the altar and displayed my paintings. I preached. I preached about rebirth and how we are born anew from the ashes of our lives. Then I got in my car and drove to Philadelphia.
I painted my sacral chakra the next morning. I did not feel ready for that. I had not begun to transition from paying attention to root chakra to moving into my sacral chakra. AND I brought my paintings to discuss and process with my teacher.
So, it felt abrupt to move into this painting. I taped together two pieces of paper and put it up on the wall. And I stared at it. I went and got orange paint. I held it and stared at the paper. I took a breath, put the brush in the paint and painted a line on the paper. And I repeated it again and again. Each stroke felt more and more wrong. So I put down the brush and grabbed a sponge and covered the paper in orange -- completely. That felt better, but not yet comfortable or centered. And that is how I felt through this whole process -- off-kilter.
I stared at the orange paper and decided to implement the process I used to get into my root chakra to get myself into my sacral chakra. I painted red up from the bottom. I painted yellow down from the top. And I came to the middle, the metaphorical place of my sacral chakra -- between my root and solar plexus. All that I felt was tears. Tears and more tears. Stuck.
I attempted yellow right there coming out from the center brightening -- holy -- sacred. But that was not right. My teacher asked what was happening.
I was stuck. The last thing I did was so not right.
She asked what I felt -- what color was there. Green and purple.
What shape. No idea.
Put green and purple on the paper and see what happens. Paint it out....
I did. I put green and purple on that painting and had such a strong hatred-oriented reaction to that movement. I wanted with all my being to scrape it off.
My teacher said no.
I wanted to rip the painting apart to get rid of it.
No. It is on there and deal with it.
Ugh!!!
What’s there? Tears.
Paint it!
So I did. I decided the way to paint tears was to throw blue paint onto the painting over the green and purple. It seems to be a theme in my painting... to get out the obstacles, to get the energy flowing, throw paint. Throw it hard. Throw it til that feeling goes away. Then breathe....
When I breathed I saw it. This Re-awakening that I am experiencing awakened numerous dormant dreams. In this case green and purple. These dreams that were re-awakened feel like now is the time for both to come to fulfillment. But can they? Do they go hand in hand? Will they compliment each other? Or do I have to give one up for the other? Ah, the tears....
I found myself working hard to integrate these two dreams, these two colors, these two shapes together. That is what I did with the rest of my painting time. I worked and worked at it.
I began with painting an upward flow switching the colors ending in spirals. This is about the journey of integration. I swirled the opposite color into each other spiraling again. Hmmm another theme.
But they were not coming together. They were still quite distinct, quite separate; just flowing next to each other.
It did not matter what I tried. That feeling did not go away. I painted and painted. It still felt split, torn. I added brightness. That exemplified the split in my soul; in my dreams; in my re-awakening.
I think now that is where I am at. I’m working at bringing both dreams to fulfillment at the same time. They are different, drastically different. And yet, they could be complimentary in time.
This painting. It does not feel done. I have not signed it. It sits and I stare at it. I am waiting for the moment when it feels complete. I think that it is point of this painting. I am staring at the struggle to Re-Awaken, to weave together those dormant dreams, to explore all the pathways and allow the Energy of the Holy to illuminate which one when, then to mourn (if needed) the leaving of one or the other for a time; not forever, just for a time.
And so for now, I am waiting. I am working. I am following these separate, complimentary paths to dreams that I hope can and will integrate in time. I am keeping all the balls in the air...
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