The Cracking Open of My Heart...

(Sometimes in my resistance, it takes me a while to post my blog entries.  I wrote this in mid-September. For some reason, I have resisted posting it.  I will sit with that for a bit.  However, after reading it, I feel like it is time to post.  This is the next few days in my journaling 40 days of working on one piece.  Enjoy!)

Day 14:

Ah, reoccurring themes....

Here come the stars this morning.  Stars spiraling outward.  Stars in groups of three.

And then the blue squiggle spiraling around tree branch to that solo star.  It looks like it is emanating out from that star, which is curious to me as it was drawn from the spiral outward.  But it feels like light emanating out from that star; powerfully like the smoke lifting from a campfire.  It looks like it gets caught in the spiral of the branch.  Hmmm....

I think there is something deep there.  Like maybe as I empty myself in Centering Prayer, the Holy begins to fill in those empty spaces, spiraling deeper and deeper into my Soul.  Or like maybe as I continue this journey of Spiritual Direction, the Holy contains and focuses the Light that emanates out from my heart and soul, bringing it to the place where I can live Largest in the world and make the greatest difference.

I am intrigued that the star is directly on top of the yellow arrow.  The arrow points to the hearts.  And yet the star emanates its blue smoke in a different direction.  However, in my soul, it does not feel like two different directions.  It feels like a joining together, a coming together of Light and Smoke -- Pillar of Fire and Pillar of Smoke.  One guides by day; the other by night according to Exodus.  One guides me toward the Light of the Holy, toward an opening and expanding of my heart.  The other guides to me an emptying of my Shadow, a letting go, a surrendering to the Holy’s presence, clearing and healing...a movement toward wholeness.  

Yeah.  A movement toward wholeness!

Day 15:

I began today’s moment with purple fireworks squiggles coming out of the spiral and surrounding the purple stars, filling the space between the tree and the edge of the piece.

Then I placed my attention in the center of the spiral.   I enlarged it so I could work on the white dot in the center.  I enlarged that dot a little.  Then I smudged it and drew it out from its center.  Then a red heart appeared.  When I was done drawing it, it was open at the top.  I toyed with “fixing” it, but my Creative Self said, “Get out Critic.  This is supposed to be open.”  and I left it open.

As I sit with it, open is becoming more and more important.  My heart is literally open there in the center of the circle.  Open to the journey I am beginning.  Open to the Holy’s journey with me.  Open to this expanding, enlarging vision that is growing within me.  Open to LOVE, deep love.  It is open....

It scares me to see that.  Fear enters into my Spirit wanting to protect such an open heart.  Open means I could easily get hurt, deeply hurt.  That has happened too often and my Critic wants to keep me safe by protecting it....through fear....closing me down, closing up that opening.  

I will welcome that fear today and this weekend in the safety of a friend’s home.  I will welcome it into my body and soul.  I will thank it for wanting to protect me.  I will thank my Critic for being vigilant in its want to protect me and keep me safe.  And I will let it go, send that fear on its way; trusting that the Holy’s Light will keep me safe.

And here is the thing.  It will.  I know it deep in my soul.  Over the past three weeks, the Holy has done just that.  The Holy has protected me in deep ways as my heart has reached out into Universe.  Just yesterday, during Centering Prayer, in the midst of monkey mind and unsettledness, the Holy protected me, bubble up within me caution, breathe, wisdom.  I welcomed it and released it as is the practice.  I am noticing that protective wisdom has not left my side or soul, inviting me to let go of this fear that is now sitting on that opening in my heart.  Free myself.  Trust that the Holy will keep me safe.  

I will breathe that deep into my heart, 

into my belly

I will place my feet on the ground

root myself in that sense of Holy safety

and grow...

Day 16:

I start with exploding the star in the top corner.  I added white and rubbed it together with the purple and yellow.  I added yellow and pulled it out into an explosion.  I worked at it, growing the Light until it felt big enough.  

Then I turned my attention to the open heart in the bottom corner.  I wanted to highlight it.  I began with white arrows.  That was not obvious enough, so I used the yellow fireworks brushed and began circling it, getting larger and larger circles until it was big enough.  When I was done, I noticed that I had made a spiral spiraling out from the heart.

I finished the ritual with a small red open heart overlapping the white and purple hearts in the center of the piece.  I will sit with that red heart for a while.  It interests me that it is overlapping the overlapping hearts, almost bringing them together...

Day 17:

Sometimes my creative self expresses what needs to be expressed in one minute.  That is what happened this morning.  The ritual took about a minute and I sat staring at it wondering if something more needed to happen.  I noticed myself trying to force my Creative Self to speak longer.  Once I noticed, I released that into the Universe, letting go, thanking my Creative Self for what it did speak.

What it did speak left me wondering and unsettled.  

I began with coloring in the one large purple star above the hearts and exploding that outward like Light.  Then came yellow fireworks up the tree and out toward the Light in the top corner.  Then came what left me unsettled:  Two small stars, opposite colors, in the bottom of each overlapping heart.

What do those stars mean?  I don’t know.  I have sat with them for days and am still awaiting that Oh moment or that Ah!Ha! moment.  I am sitting with that unsettledness in my Soul inviting it to clarify itself to me.  I sense they are connected.

All I’m getting is patience.  Patience.  Patience.  Clarity will come.... Patience.

One minute of engaging my creative self!  

What I am learning about this creative process is that the amount of time does not matter.  It is the quality of the time.  Can I give myself over fully to my Creative Self and allow Her to speak uninterrupted?  Can I suspend the judgment of my Critic so that my Creative Self can feel safe enough to come forward and speak?  Am I open to what my Creative Self wants to express?  Or will I block it?

Today, in the silence of the early morning, my exhaustion over-rode my Critic allowing for my Creative Self to express itself fully and powerfully.  This unsettled feeling is the result of the fullness of freedom that She had this morning.  Today I am embracing the blessing of feeling unsettled within...

Day 18:

Green is the color of the day this morning.  Green appeared time and time again through my morning creative ritual.

I began by circling the open red heart in the bottom corner with a deep green. Then I added arrows, numerous arrows.  Then came the large green heart embracing and surrounding the two overlapping hearts with stars in them.

Then came the purple figure in the trunk of the tree and its green heart.  Then the figure was surrounded by a green heart that opened fully at the top.  I was struck by an image of the Crown Chakra and Light coming and going from the top opening like flames.  So, naturally came red in the tree from the root/base to the explosion out of the top.

I an noticing this morning the reoccurring themes that continue to reappear time and time again.  The figure appearing, then disappearing, then reappearing.  Hearts.  Now open hearts.  Trees.  Flame, red.  Circles and arrows highlighting, drawing attention.

This creative 40 day commitment is really working my Heart; working hard at opening me up, inviting me to expand; inviting me to do deeper and deeper into Love, Peace.  It is re-awakening me to the possibilities in my dream; to the possibilities for my career, my ministry.  It is inviting me to open myself to the guidance of the Holy and risk everything to become who I feel Called to be in this world.

I am accepting that invitation.  Each time I touch my finger to the screen of my iPad each morning, I am inviting the Holy to fill me more and more; to open me more and more; to bring forth within my fearlessness so that I can break my cycle of watching my dreams pass me by.

I feel like the figure with the opening above it is about to be filled with fearlessness; it is about to explode forth and begin the hard work of creating a new form of ministry in this world.  

Today, I am breathing deeply and opening my heart to noticing and welcoming fearlessness into my body, into my Soul, into my Heart!