Yellow, yellow and more yellow...

This is the third day of painting on this piece.  I felt like there was only one place to start this morning:

A big black circle around the flame, cutting off the top of the flame.  It loosened me up.  It expressed the Shadow that I felt around my heart.  It released it a little bit...

Then came the coloring of the inner flame black.  I wondered if I would be painting in black today, but yellow came into my mind urgently.  

I grabbed the yellow and began to place yellow hand prints all around the purple circle.   Then I began to make streaks of yellow all over the painting where ever I felt the invitation.  And finally a yellow circle in the bottom of the painting.

Then a deep breathe.  I sat and took some deep centering breathes and waited for what was next.

What was next was more yellow.  I put four yellow hand prints at the bottom of the large heart.  A spiral appeared connecting those hand prints to the large yellow circle.  

When I was done with the brown I had all this energy I needed to get out of me, emotional energy.  I didn’t have words for the emotions, but I knew I needed to get them out.  I grabbed the yellow and began to create a yellow flame at the top of the black circle. 

Then I went yellow crazy.  I mean crazy.  I needed to get yellow on that paper, to release whatever it was that was stuck in me.  I began with yellow in the black circle.  I moved to yellow all around the hearts, all over the bottom of the paper.  I brought the yellow up the sides.  I covered as much of the painting as I could with yellow, leaving pretty much two intertwined hearts and one red hand print.

The hand print was partially covered by the yellow.  I grabbed the red and put the print back up there, then I filled in the brown center.

Then I sat... and sat...  and sat.  Then I moved to the other side of the room and sat.  Then I went and grabbed chocolate and sat.  

I was bumping up against some stuff that had bubbled up in my inner work this week.  I mean it was very present.  It came up Monday, clarified Tuesday and wrote and wrote all afternoon to process it, and The Sacred offered some healing on Wednesday which I was still processing.  Today, Thursday, I found myself in front of a yellow painting with a red handprint and two intertwined hearts.  I found my Creative Self letting me know I was struggling with truly accepting the healing I received.  I found my Creative Self asking me to dive deep into the struggle, into that disbelief, express it and accept it.

But I did not move.  I stayed sitting until my teacher came and pushed me.  We talked about what came up.  The disbelief.  Obstacle was the word that came with disbelief.  Brown was the color.  Rock was the form.  So up I went (after much prodding).

I began by grabbing brown.  Then I grabbed some  tissues and began to form rock-like lumps on the painting.  That was not doing it for me, so I grabbed red yarn and dipped it in the paint and put it on the painting.  It would not stay no matter how much glue I put up.  So I began to toss it at the painting.  It stuck and the fell and I caught it.  It left this really cool effect.  I did it again and again and again.  Really cool affect.  

One time the brown yarn stayed stuck.  I left it there and added glue and a pin to help it stick.  I got more yarn and repeated until that yarn stuck.  The obstacles stayed when and where they wanted to.  It was out of my control.  I had to trust the yarn and paint to express it fully.

When I was done with the brown and with the yarn, I had this need for more yellow.  But not on this painting.  I grabbed a new sheet of paper and put it on the floor.  I pumped and drizzled a few different shades of yellow on the paper.  Then using a brush I spread the yellow all over the paper.  Then yellow dots went from that paper to my painting.

When the yellow was complete I wanted green.  I wanted the green to have the same affect as the brown yarn.  My teacher helped me clear a wall so I could toss the green yarn at the paper. I tossed it and tossed it and tossed it until it felt like everything that needed to get out was out.

I grabbed the green yarn and put it on the main painting right in the middle between the red hand and the intertwine hearts.  

And I was done for the day...

I have plans for that yellow and green paper.  I have plans for the “rocks”.  

But for now, I had done as much as I could handle doing....