The journey toward integration continues....

A continuation of painting my sacral chakra...

My teacher’s comment regarding painting green and purple on my sacral chakra painting -- “It is there.  Deal with it. (what I heard not so much her exact words)”  has been echoing in my head.  I decided to take this one step further.  I  decided to paint another painting with the question of integrating these two dreams together in my head.  Are they complimentary dreams?  or Are they conflicting?

Images had been coming to me in my dreams, images expressing a merging and yet a distinguishing of these two dreams.  It was almost like they are distinct and yet not.  I don’t know how to explain it.  That was the feeling inside myself that I needed to see on paper and explore through paint and brush.

So I got out my paint and brushes and sponges and paper.  I set up my table for painting.  I set out on this journey to paint out this vision that had been haunting my dreams -- awake and asleep.

I began by painting a figure (myself) standing in the “Bring it on” yoga pose (as a friend of mine has named it), with my arms stretching up to heaven and my feet rooted solidly on the ground.  It feels like a cross between bring it on and praise of the Holy.  I split the figure in half; half green, half purple.  The head reddish-orange.  I worked at melding the purple and green together and it sort of worked, but not really.  I added some white and began to work it into the purple and green.  That was better.  It made it look like the figure was clothed in a multi-colored robe. The head became a sun.  Yellow shining forth from it flowing across the painting.

Then I moved further into the image of my dreams.  The figure in my dreams became a tree that integrated both dreams together.  I added branches flowing from the arms, flowing outward.  The branches curved again into spirals.  That I did not expect, but I should have.  This integration is a journey, an exploration.  It is rooted deep in my spirit and soul, deep in my grounded self.  So I brought the branches down to the ground, bringing the brown into the green and purple and white of the robe.

I picked up the sponge.  I began to add the leaves.  Purple.  Then green.  Then another shade of purple.  Then another shade of green.  I layered them one on top of the other.  I let them come together however they wanted.  

And this is when the journey of this painting become most interesting.  The leaves, the branches, the tree really brought to the forefront the head of this figure.  It seemed to stick out, not right -- at least to my gut.  Orange red did not work.  It did not bring together the two dreams.  So, I left it.  I walked away for a bit to give myself some time away, to allow the work that was done to settle in my spirit and soul.  I took the pup for a walk.

When I came back, I looked at it again.  It was definitely not right.  It needed to be a different color.  I attempted to lighten it with yellow, but that did not work.  Then I had this idea...what if these dreams were like a yin/yang in my life?  So I picked up the brush and sponge and created a yin/yang symbol where the head was.  When I was done, I looked at the painting.  This change, changed the entire painting; the feel of the entire painting; the expression of integration -- and not in a good way.  It felt split.  I could see distinctly the green and purple and how they were not melting together.  And I felt somewhat defeated.  It felt again like that reaction to my sacral chakra when I first put the purple and green together.  Wrong!

“Deal with it.”  Echoing again in my head.  

Deal with it.

Ok.  Breathe.

I went back to the spiral, to the motif of journey and process.  I painted a spiral of the opposing color coming down the side of the trunk and spiraling out at its root.  It pulled the painting further apart, segregating more and more the two colors, the two dreams.  

This yin/yang was not working for me.  It was not helping me express integration.  It was helping me clarify what these dreams were not about.  But how they went together, not so much.  I left it on there though.  I continued the journey to explore the spiral roots of this tree.  I painted a garden on one spiral, combining the colors green and purple.  The purple garden growing out of the green spiral, blossoming out of the center of the spiral.  I liked that.

I painted a forrest growing at the base of the purple spiral, bringing together both the green and the red (from the head).  The leaves appeared unexpectedly, but really brought the spiral to life.  These I liked.  I liked seeing how each dream can bring the other to life.  How each separate dream can offer the grounding fertilizing soil through which the other dream will grow to its fullness.  That is cool!

But I was left with this yin/yang head that was just cutting at the core of the painting.  Look at it.  It really takes away the integration of the two dreams.  

I walked away again.  I gave myself a break from the work.  I was worried that I was running away from the challenge put in front of me.  But I had not clue was to do.  I had no clue where to go.  I sat quietly in the other room.  I played with the pup, because as soon as I sit quietly all pup toys end up at my feet.  What else can you do?

It was in the first game of tug -- real game of tug where the pup was working hard to win -- that it came to me.  The head, the center, the sun (so to speak) of this painting had to meld the two colors together into a color spectrum from purple to green and then smudge into the rest of the painting.  So I went back (to the chagrin of the pup) to the painting.  I picked up the purple and green and covered the yin/yang.  I used the sponge to bring the colors together, to meld them so that you could not tell where one begins and the other ends.  I added yellow to the edges and rubbed it in, pulling the color outward and integrating the edging into the painting.  Then I stood back and looked.  That was better. 

I added more yellow coming from the center, from the sun and shining outward over the entire painting, over the leaves, over the trunk, over the meadow of flowers, over the forrest.  And I left the painting, not sure if it is done.  But I left it with my teacher’s question echoing in my head, “Tell me three more things you can do to this painting...”

It does not feel done yet, just like my sacral chakra does not feel done yet.  It feels like I have made good progress in this processing.  Every time I look at it, I ask myself what three more things can I do to this painting.  One answer comes again and again:  Make the sun rise over a mountain where the peak is a light purple and the shade changes to a deep green by the base.  Yet fear rises within me -- fear of ruining the painting; fear of covering over what it there; fear that is causing resistance, resistance to go deeper and deeper and deeper. 

I need to just do it.  I need to take that deep breathe and paint that mountain and break through this wall of resistance....and yet I haven’t... I just keep staring at it wondering...